I suppose I am technically 1/4 of the way to officially being a doctor, but it really doesn't feel that way. The first year of medical school was different, and in many ways harder, than I expected. After having a couple gap years since graduating from Weber State, I was happy to have Business school in the summer to shake off some of the rust that accumulates without exams, projects, and papers. Business school was largely a good experience and I learned a lot from it. I will say that the only black spot on my business education to this point is the accounting class I took. Quite frankly, I don't know how anyone goes into accounting. I don't know whether to view accountants as heroes because they do what I never could or as villains, because general accounting principles are so overly complex and make the trade ridiculous to learn. Either way, suffice it to say that I am so glad I am not going to be an accountant, and will never consider that a career alternative if I ever happen to be back on the career market - not that I'm planning to anyway. Alright, enough about the woes of accounting. The rest of business school was great and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
After a week-long orientation (which didn't need to be longer than a day and a half in my opinion) we finally dove into medicine head first, via Anatomy. I had a lot of experience with Anatomy in undergrad, between dissecting cadavers and tutoring the subject for several years. I thought medical school anatomy was going to be extremely hard, but as it turns out, there's only so much stuff in the body, so I already knew between 50-75% of what I was expected to learn. However, previous knowledge doesn't cut fat and clean the nerves in the cadaver lab. I spent 10-15 hours a week in the lab just breathing in the formalin preservatives. I'm confident my sense of smell will never be the same again, though it really wasn't that great to begin with, so I'm really not at much of a loss. Working on a cadaver is such a neat experience. I felt sorry for the students at schools who think they are forward-thinking by replacing the cadaver lab with prosecution (directions are done in advance that students just have to look at) or with computer 3D models. Sure I could do without painstakingly scissoring (which is using a pair of surgical scissors in the opposite motion as cutting) tens of pounds of fat off of nerves and blood vessels. However, there are some things that just can't be replicated, like the feeling of gently squeezing a lung in your fingers, or feeling the tensile difference between nerves and arteries, or separating a brain from its body and realizing you hold the storage bin of almost 90 years of memories from a real person's life. It was, in fact, a very special experience that I am very thankful to have had in my medical training.
Anatomy is very unique to medical education. All other classes are lecture oriented with little to no lab work, and definitely, nothing compared to a cadaver lab. Tech's curriculum is set up in the traditional format which is 4 blocks each year and only one class for each block. Anatomy was my first block, then came to Biology of Cells and Tissues (BCT) which was a mix of biochemistry, cell biology, and histology. (Plus some trojan-horsed reproductive physiology from a professor that insisted you can't learn anatomy, biology, or histology without knowing physiology. I strongly disagree but nonetheless, I got to learn physiology in both Anatomy and BCT.) Right before BCT started we welcomed Paige into the world. Ally's pregnancy and delivery were rough on her, but for my school schedule, she came to us at the perfect time when school was low intensity and I didn't have much to worry about. I'm very happy she didn't show up the day before my national board exam for Anatomy.
BCT is where medical school really changed for me. For one, I was terrible at cell biology in undergrad and was overconfident about my biochemistry expertise. But beyond being set up poorly, BCT is where I really started to feel overwhelmed by everything I was supposed to know and felt like no matter how hard I tried nothing would stick. On my first exam of the block, I technically failed, getting 69.5%, but then a throwout question bumped by grade over the 70% passing threshold. I was pretty well shaken by that exam. I can't remember the last time I flirted with failure in an academic setting. I didn't know whether to feel angry, sad, or relieved that I got that bonus point so I didn't actually fail. Unfortunately, the problems only continued. As much as I was motivated to regroup and study harder, I only improved to the upper 70s on the next exam, then the lower 80s on my third unit exam. I was working hard and it just didn't help. To this day I still don't know what I could've done better, but that's where medical school got tough and I decided I had no other options than to just keep grinding and not worry about my class rank, but try to beat my own scores.
After the national board exam for BCT we had a much needed Christmas break, and traveling back to Utah to spend time with family was incredibly refreshing. Going snowboarding and just relaxing a bit was definitely good for the soul.
After Christmas break, the next block was Major Organ Systems (MOS) which is essentially physiology. The first system was the cardiovascular and pulmonary systems and it really reminded me why I considered cardiothoracic surgery a potential specialty to practice. It was fun learning about how blood is oxygenated and pumped throughout the body. Unfortunately, I really only did well on that first exam. The other units, which involved the GI tract and genitourinary systems were not so grade friendly to me. I never flirted with failure again but hit around 80% on my exams when I really thought I was capable of getting in the 90s. As the saying goes, "the person who graduates last in the class is still called doctor," but it was never my intention to just make it through medical school. I wanted (and still want) to thrive and be a stellar student. In talking to one of the top students - who actually might be the valedictorian at this point - about his study strategy and schedule the first thing he said was, "You have 3 kids, I don't know if you really have the time to do what I do," and then proceeded to tell me about how he studies from 7 am to 8-9 pm with a 10-minute break for lunch and a 10-minute break for dinner. He was absolutely right, that's definitely outside of what I can do with a family to look after. I'm good with that though! I love my kids and I really like having more facets to my life than just being a med student. I was just talking to my cousin Ryan about the "disadvantage" (lack of a better word) that I have and he helped me see even more that it's okay to not be at the top of my academic class because my life is more than just school. I don't think it's bad that my classmates are so invested in their studies, and I'm still a little jealous if I'm being entirely honest, but I'm good with the fact that we have different ways we measure our self-worth. There's only one spot at the top of the class, and if I don't have the resource to really compete for it then I might as well not waste my energy worrying about it. I can refocus that energy into being a good dad and working on the stuff that I'll need to have a competitive residency application without being the top academic student.
The conclusion of MOS ushered in spring break, which Ally and I had decided would be a good time to go back to visit family in Utah. We're getting pretty good at making that 1,000-mile drive overnight. Two hours from home, we started hearing all of the news breaks about COVID-19 shutting everything down. First the NBA, then church, then my classes in the week after spring break. We suddenly got a double-up spring break of two weeks and I wasn't complaining one bit. I had a little bit of a research project to work on that was basically it. We hung out with family, I got some golf in and hurt my elbow, and we just had a good time.
We came back so I could start my last block of the year, General Principles of Immunology (GPI), which is basically microbiology with a little immunology mixed in. The school was shut down, and everything was to be done online, so the block was changed to pass/fail and there would be no effect on class rankings. That was great for me because then it didn't matter if I got exactly 70% or 100%, a pass was a pass. Because I had taken a bunch of clinical microbiology as part of my undergrad program, GPI wasn't too bad. I was finally feeling like I was floating on the material again instead of sinking in it. Admittedly, my test scores were not that much better, ranging from 81% to 86%, but I was doing a lot of work on my research and doing the bare minimum on lecture material. So hour for hour, I did as well in this block as I had in Anatomy, and that was very refreshing. I would like to say that I figured out how to study, or some other cliche that I hear from other students all the time that lead to my improvement, but I honestly still feel like I don't know how to be successful in my studies. I did learn two key lessons that will hopefully come in handy next year, and they are: 1) I need three passes at material to actually learn it. I try to get an overview, learn the stuff, then do practice questions, and study the rationales. 2) I do way better if I make my own flashcards on Anki. Making my own cards is a way to learn and review at the same time. That will probably be my biggest tactic for success in year 2. Committing to the Anki lifestyle is not easy, but I found it's worth it and that might be the way that I "finally learned how to study."
The ironic part about GPI was that I was studying viruses and viral mechanisms during a viral outbreak that was unlike anything seen in the last 100 years. Pretty much everyone I talked to outside of the medical school asked me what I thought about COVID-19 and if I was learning about it in class. Unfortunately, the answer was "no." Due to the novelty of the new virus, there wasn't a lot of knowledge about it. The school also went into survival mode and just posted recorded lectures from the year before instead of having professors record new lectures. Until now, the coronavirus family was more or less a footnote in the virus section. The only characteristics I had to know about coronavirus was that it was helical shaped, enveloped, and caused SARS, MERS, and was a minor pathogen of the common cold. That's it. Initially, I left a big space on my whiteboard to write down stuff about the virus, thinking it would be a big hot topic and thoroughly tested, but I discovered that would not be the case. I only saw one question on it and it just referred to its helical capsid and envelope. Nothing about SARS-COV-2. I was a little bummed that there was so much buzz around the world about this virus but nothing in my didactic lectures. I wonder if it will be a big part of the curriculum for next year's class when there is more concrete knowledge about it, or if it will fade back into the background if the public health measures work and life goes back to normal.
I cannot adequately describe the feeling I had submitting my final exam for the year and feeling a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I love medical school and I am so grateful for the opportunity to pursue a career as a physician, don't get me wrong, but man is it challenging and tiring. In business school, I felt like the course objectives were pretty well set and if I paid attention to lectures and reviewed my notes, I knew everything I needed to. I never once had that feeling in my first year of medical school. There was always more to study, always some little details I didn't fully understand that had a way of showing up on exams in 2nd or 3rd order questions, and always something I heard about my classmates doing that I wasn't, like volunteering at the free clinic or getting research published. Basically, the first year was a mental, emotional, and psychological uphill battle from start to finish, for both Ally and me. But we won! We made it this far and I'm happy to level up to second year in the fall. Next stepping stones: a summer of online business classes, an MBA graduation ceremony, and then we're back to the grindstone in August.
I am grateful and will be forevermore, for the MS2 (second-year students) wives who reached out to me and included me in their circles. There are a few of them with kids and that was so nice because we would do playdates fairly regularly. I wouldn't go to all of them when they were at parks because it was so hot and being pregnant made it even more so ha. And then once I had Paige we stopped going while I adjusted and because of the cold/sick season and then we were getting back into the swing of things when Coronavirus messed everything up. My poor kids hadn't had a playdate in the longest time but we have had fun being home and doing our own thing, for the most part.
Dan and I are the only ones in his year who have kids (that will be changing soon though and I'm so excited), which kind of made me feel like we were the odd ones out. But all the students in his year that we would hang out with have been nothing but sweet and inclusive towards us. My girls love them and we have made some really great friends. I just hope it doesn't hold him back or ruin anything for him because life is so different for him than everyone else.
Dan started business school the week after we moved here. He was on campus a lot for that but was never gone all day long, he was able to do some things at home. We went to Utah in July because Dan had a little break over the 4th. He flew back home after a few days and the girls and I stayed a few more weeks to spend time with family and do some fun summer things. There isn't a lot to do in Lubbock so I was happy it worked out for us to stay in Utah for so long. By the time we got back, the end of July, Dan was finishing up business school and then medical school started in early August.
I had no expectations for Dan being home and was happy when he was. His first block of school was anatomy so he was gone quite a bit because he had to spend a lot of time with Dorothy, the name I gave his cadaver. The remainder of his blocks weren't as demanding, or so it seemed to me, and we lucked out that Paige was born the week after he finished anatomy.
My Mom was here for three weeks, one week before Paige was born and two weeks after, and I am certain that we would not have survived without her ha. She took Hayley to and from preschool and helped out with all the household chores. I am so grateful for her and the love she has for my girls. We have slowly but surely adjusted to being a family of three, which has also been hard but easier than I thought.
Dan had a nice winter break so we flew to Utah the day after he had a test and came back home on New Years' Day. Coming home after that trip was especially hard and I was depressed for a good week or so after. We got back into our routine and things here started looking up. Hayley was enjoying her preschool and I joined a book club. We made more friends and things were becoming more familiar. Things were pretty good until Coronavirus.
We were on our way to Utah for spring break, literally in the car driving, when things started shutting down (the NBA, church, schools being closed for longer than just spring break). I wondered if we should have turned around and come home but I am glad we didn't. I am happy we got to see our families before the shelter in place and quarantine really went in effect. It was not the trip we had planned and it was full of anxiety for me, we were there for the earthquake too, but it was worth it. The next few months were full of anxiety so I don't think being in Lubbock would have changed that.
The virus has made me grateful that we don't live in a super big city and that Dan is only a student and not a practicing physician. I would be a wreck if he were facing this virus head-on. And if he were, I would deal with it obviously, but I have never been so grateful for the timing in our journey. With that being said, I am EXTREMELY grateful for all of those who have been sacrificing so much to fight this thing. My eyes have been opened since undergrad, through the process of applying, during this first year, and now with this virus being here.
Dan's school didn't change too much during the quarantine. He was already home studying most of the time. It was nice to have him home. We would try not to bother him but if I needed some extra help it was wonderful that he was right there to give it. He would study from about 9:00-5:00 and then spend time with us. It was a pretty good set up and I thought it worked out well. He has done a great job of balancing his school and home life in my eyes.
So now he has officially completed his first year of med school. I am so proud of him, and I am pretty proud of myself too haha. I have said before that I am not sure that I am cut for the future that lay ahead of us but I'm doing it anyway. I am grateful for the closeness we have experienced as a family in this first year, not just because of the pandemic but because of being away from family, friends, and most things that were familiar too. (But we have a Crumbl now so it isn't all bad!) I don't feel that Dan has to rely on me too much but I do rely on him a lot, mostly speaking in an emotional and mental sense. I believe Heavenly Father is wanting to teach me to be more independent and moving here and experiencing the life we are right now is definitely teaching me that. And I am eternally grateful for my three little buddies that I will have to keep me company while Dan is becoming Dr. Hayward. Our little girls keep me moving forward most days. I feel like things can only go up from here. On to second year!
No comments:
Post a Comment