Hayley: Five Months

Let's just start out by saying that the 4 month sleep regression is real! And boy am I glad that we are past it, and I'm not looking forward to the next one. We started feeding Hayley rice cereal and oatmeal. In the beginning I couldn't tell if she just didn't like it or couldn't figure out how to eat off a spoon but she wouldn't ever eat very much, but since has gotten a little better and we're going to start giving her real food soon.

This time of year is special and I want Hayley to know how to give and not just receive. So what better person to teach her than Santa Claus? I hope she grows up with the belief in him and the magic of Christmas.

If you read my last blog post you'd know that Hayley really is my little angel. I just love her so stinking much! Since her little sleep regression she has since gone back to sleeping through the night, hallelujah. (Seriously, that was miserable. It was like she was a newborn all over again.) She will stick absolutely everything she can grab into her mouth, and if something is already close to her mouth she'll just stick her mouth on it - like your face or your hand. She can roll over pretty easy when she wants to, and when she doesn't just don't even bother her with trying ha. She can sit up by herself for a few seconds at a time. She can also stand up by herself as long as she's kind of leaning against something or holding something, but she's been able to do that for over a month now. She thinks it's funny when I sing and dance to her. She doesn't seem to like hats, I think they make her head itch more than it normally does, but she looks so darn cute in them! Anytime the TV is on she is mesmerized by it. She loves phones too. She has to wear a bib all day long because she drools like the Niagara Falls. She still spits up pretty often, so those bibs come in handy not only for drool but vomit too. We've finally moved up to size 2 diapers, but she still wears 3 month clothes, although I don't think for much longer. She recently found her toes and loves to play with them and will even suck on them occasionally. We think she likes the sound of her voice because she talks to herself and will kind of babble when she gets tired and is trying to fall asleep. But she can make her voice be raspy and will do that a majority of the time, she's silly. She gets compliments all the time on her smile, she'll almost always smile at you if you smile at her.

She LOVES those keys.

I guess the blanket won.

I'm still tired a majority of the time, even though she sleeps well most nights. That's the Mom life though, right? And I do love it. It's hard, always hard, but incredible, so very incredible.
A little P.S. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from our family to yours!

(Kelsey Carlson designed these for me! She's amazing. Check her out at  her website.)

Motherhood with a Mental Illness

It's really hard for me to admit this (what you're about to read), still, and I'm not entirely sure why, but it is. And for some reason writing about it helps, and I've wanted to write about it for a little while now so... here it is. I guess I do this to know that I'm not alone and that there are others experiencing the same thing. And also because when I share others share too, and we can learn and grow from each other.
In March of this year I decided to go off my Prozac. When I found out I was pregnant that was one of the first questions I had, would being on this medication affect my baby? My doctor told me that I would be ok until the last few weeks of my pregnancy and should go off it then, if I could. I ran out of refills in March and that was what forced the plunge. April was the month from Hell for me because of all I had to do school wise - I had a project, paper, or test/OP at least once a week that month and it was awful because it heightened my anxiety a lot. Once school was over and I finished my AT hours I was doing better. I could handle my anxiety more and therefore had less depression as well. June was pretty easy, too. I worked a few days a week and just relaxed and tried to prepare for Hayley's arrival. In July I started stressing again because of the not knowing when Hayley would come and how she would affect our lives. However, I was pleasantly surprised at how things went after she made her debut. I was pretty worried about developing postpartum depression and I never did, BUT I still had and have my days where I can feel my anxiety and depression creeping up inside me and sometimes it would get the best of me and others I could "get over it". Maybe I never developed it because I already had it?

But because of those few hard days that would continually occur I went and talked to my doctor at 2 months postpartum about what to do (I want to stay on top of it and never let it get the best of me again). Because I am nursing I was advised to try and stay off Prozac until Hayley is at least 6 months, when she won't have to rely on me so much for her food source, which is almost perfect timing because then I'll be back in school and I know I won't be able to handle this illness without meds. I NEVER want to go back to where I was and I know that being on medication is how I will be able to avoid that, which I am finally beginning to accept. With all that being said, I did really well the first few months of Hayley's life, and then I started feeling worse, hence the visit to the doctor. I am nowhere near to being how bad I was or I would be on Prozac right now, but I can feel it getting a little more out of control than I want it to be. So I will tough out this next month and then get the help I know I will need. 

I have so much to be thankful for and I know I am truly blessed, and that's why having anxiety and depression is so extremely frustrating - I know I have so many blessings and things to be happy about but I just can't sometimes. I feel alone because of what this illness does to me. And it's hard for me to talk about it with people who don't understand because sometimes that only gets me more frustrated and depressed. It's a horrible cycle. I know it's not their fault for not being able to understand so I just don't say anything to avoid the conversation I know is coming that won't do me any good. And maybe that's selfish of me but I need to be a little selfish with this illness or things only get worse than they need to. And when I can't take care of myself then I can't take care of others and I really hate not being able to do anything for others, especially my husband and daughter.

Becoming a Mother is a huge life changer, I know any Mother can tell you that. Since I've become a Mother I don't get as much time with my husband, I feel like I don't have as many friends as I used to, I don't have much of a social life, and I don't get any time to myself because it's harder to do things with people or for yourself when you have a demanding little human that needs to eat 3-4 hours and take naps and play and be held and all the things that babies need leaving you with little time for anything else. Even when I do get out I still have to put Hayley first and "miss out" on things because I'm feeding her or changing her diaper or she's crying and I have to calm her down. And I know that every Mom deals with this but when its coupled with anxiety and depression it's different. I worry about all that the future will bring and how I am going to deal with it. I have to get 200 clinical hours in the spring and will be working still. How am I going to do that with a baby? Somehow I know it'll work out but that doesn't mean I can just stop worrying about it. Then next year I'll be a full time student again, be working, and need 200 clinical hours. How am I going to do that with a baby? Again, I know it'll be ok and I have faith that I'll be able to do it but I just don't know how and the unknown stirs the anxiety over and over again. I know it can all get done somehow but then it makes me sad to think that I'll rarely see my daughter during this next year. I know she won't remember it but I will and it hurts my heart a little to think about what I could miss in her life.

At the same time that being a Mother gives me anxiety and depression it also heals it. I am so grateful for Hayley. She is the reason I can handle this as well as I do. I think that if she wasn't here I would be doing a lot worse, she is the reason that I have to get out of bed. She relies on me for almost everything but I need her more than she needs me. When I have hard days, weak moments, struggles, etc. she will bring me back to life with her smile or laugh or the new thing that she has learned or done. I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter and I love her more than she'll ever know.

I know those last two paragraphs contradict each other but that's what having a mental illness will do to you. Welcome to the life of someone living with one. The same thing that runs you into the ground can also be the thing that lifts you out of that hole. 

I had a thought this past Fast Sunday during Sacrament Meeting. I was thinking about my mission, where all of this started, and how hard it was while serving and since then. I thought about how "unfair" I thought it all was, and what it did to me. I was a different person while suffering through it on my mission and when I came home. Of course I will never be the same, and most of the time I can live with that, but other times I still resent the person this illness causes me to be. And as I was thinking all this I turned to look at my baby girl in my husband's arms and thought about the baby blessing he gave her in September. I thought about how she was blessed to be a source of happiness and brighten other's lives... and it hit me, that she is going to do that more for me than possibly anyone else. She was given to me by a Heavenly Father who understood what I went through, and still go through, and I don't have to do it alone. She is going to help me through it all. Hayley is going to be my saving grace. My heart just about burst as I had all these thoughts and I feel so overwhelmed with love from my Father in Heaven and grateful that He is so aware of my needs and sends me the help that will get me through my trials. 

Hayley is a huge reason I can cope but I would be ungrateful if I didn't mention that my husband and my family also make a huge difference in how I've been able to deal with this, too. They will never know how much their help means to me. 

The words from Come, Come Ye Saints come to mind as I think about the future and how I'm going to tackle it all... happy day, all is well! And all will be well, as long as I stay close to Him who knows me best and take things with one hand holding Daniel's and the other holding Hayley's. 

Hayley: Four Months

I cannot believe how big my little girl is getting, typical Mom thing to say, but it's true! She has changed quite a bit from that little newborn we brought into the world.

She is starting to figure out her hands and how to use them, she will grab anything within her reach and usually stick it in her mouth. She can almost sit up on her own. For the most part she either needs to be laying on her back or sitting up cause she'll try and sit up herself if she's in between 0 and 90 degrees, and she's getting some nice stomach muscles from doing her little crunches ha. She could play with balloons for hours. She has developed her laugh/giggle and we love to hear it! We'll do practically anything we can to get it out of her. She is quite the little chatterbox, most talkative in the morning and evening. She still hates tummy time and has only rolled over a few times. She loves being in the tub and will splash and play in the water. She is now sleeping (most nights) from around 10:30 at night to 7:00 in the morning, and she never cries when she wakes up, she'll just make noises or "talk" until I wake up and come in and get her. I am grateful for how easy of a baby she has been - we have been able to give her breast milk or formula (and she'll be fed to by anyone), any type of binky or bottle, all brands of diapers without any reactions, etc. I know some babies don't always take what they are given and have a preference or a dislike and it has made our lives so much easier because she is not picky. She will smile at anyone and everyone. The magic touch when she's upset is swinging her in her carseat forward and backward, side to side not so much or we'd just put her in her swing. She still loves her bouncer and bouncing will sooth her sometimes. She will sit and stare at her footy pajamas that have things on them or her bright gold shoes. She is still in size 1 diapers and her 3 month clothes are fitting about perfect. We finally had to stop going to see the Doc every two weeks for weight check ups because she maintained her 25th percentile. She loves all books but especially ones that have things she can touch. She drools so bad that I have to put a bib on her so that her shirt won't get soaked. Her cheeks are still huge but that's ok because I love to kiss them! She will smile and laugh at me when I sing to her. Her cradle cap is basically gone, but she has developed something else that gets inflamed when she irritates it. The Doc thinks it could be an allergic reaction of some sort. She can sometimes put her binky back in all by herself, usually after she pulls it out. She has figured out she has lips and will suck on her bottom one and kind of smack them together, we find it pretty funny. She has the most beautiful blue eyes that I love to see the world through.

My own sleeping beauty.

The outfit I came home from the hospital in. I was pleasantly surprised my Mom kept it. 

Halloween! A Cookie Monster needs a Cookie.

A mi bebe en un poncho!

She fell asleep on our hike.

Cutest pumpkin in the patch!

She's so strong! She can stand up by herself as long as she's leaning against something.

Grandma Susan and her matching Skeleton.

I feel like I'm getting better at this whole Motherhood thing. I decided that instead of making sure I video or take pictures of her doing things for the first time or when she does something cute that I would just enjoy it and make sure that I really see it. If she does it again and I can catch it the second time then great. I don't want her first memories of me to be with me holding a phone in her face. I just want to make sure I enjoy my Hayley bug and treasure who she is and what she does.
A rewarding moment, or moments because they happen daily, is when Hayley will see me for the first time in the morning or when I come into the room or make eye contact with her and just smile. I love that she is so happy to see me, it's the best feeling ever! An embarrassing moment from this past month was in my parent's ward during Relief Society, Hayley pooped so loud the whole room heard it. I know she's a baby and they do that but I still turned pretty red. A sad moment was when she was sick, again, and her voice sounded terrible. It was like she swallowed a frog. The hard moments are when she is crying and I can't do anything to help her, whether it's when we're driving somewhere or she's uncomfortable from who knows what or she's waiting for a diaper change or to be fed. A fun moment was celebrating my birthday and having her here. She wore the outfit I came home from the hospital in (pictured above) and it was kind of surreal to think about how I was that little 25 years ago.

"Come stop your crying it'll be alright, just take my hand hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you, I will be here don't you cry. For one so small you seem so strong, my arms will hold you keep you safe and warm. This bond between us can't be broken, I will be here don't you cry. 'Cause you'll be in my heart. Yes, you'll be in my heart, from this day on now and forever more." 

This is my song for Hayley because it perfectly describes how I feel about her. I love my little one!

She is the light of our lives!

Side note: She had her 4 month check-up on November 12 and weighed almost 13 pounds. She dropped again in percentile but not enough for the Doc to be concerned about her, thank goodness. She is 72nd percentile for head circumference, 54th for height, and 23rd for weight. She got her second round of shots. Dan took her while I was at work so that I wouldn't have to hear her cry and be sad. He's a good Daddy. She can start rice cereal and number 1 foods in two weeks.

Hayley: Three Months

This past month was full of smiles, Hayley is a happy little girl (most of the time) and I love when she smiles at me. She is really close to laughing/giggling. There have been a few times where she has kind of laughed, but she's not quite there yet. She's still trying to figure it out - she'll cough or make a little noise. I can't wait to really hear her laughter!

She is a busy little body, I can only imagine what life is going to be like when she can get around herself, because she is always moving her hands and her legs and she'll give you the biggest smiles when you play with her arms or legs. She will also grab onto whatever she can get her fingers around. She loves sucking on her fists. She is starting to notice things around her a lot more, she will look for where a noise came from when she hears one. She loves story time and will talk back to you while you read to her. Sometimes I wonder if she'll be a singer because she likes to make sounds and noises. She is starting to play with some of her toys. She has some pretty intense cradle cap and so her head is constantly being lotioned. She loves bath time and will cry when we take her out of the water. She started drooling a couple weeks ago too, she is her Daddy's little girl! She still doesn't enjoy tummy time but we're working on it. She likes sitting up so she can look around. We call her a hiccup monster because she gets them quite frequently, that's where she's Mommy's little girl.
Hayley had her shots September 17 and honestly did better than I thought she would. Dan held her and I left the room, thank goodness for Husbands and Fathers. She would start crying randomly throughout the day, as if she was having flashbacks or something, but was back to her happy Hayley self the next day. And on September 20 Daniel had the wonderful opportunity to bless her. He gave her a beautiful blessing, it brought tears to my eyes, and again I am so grateful for the Priesthood. He blessed her with the ability to develop a testimony of the Restoration, to grow healthy and strong, to be a source of joy and happiness and have a sense of humor, to brighten other people's days, to stay close to the Gospel and enjoy it, to obtain the covenants and go to the temple with a worthy son of God, and to raise a family unto the Lord. We had lots of our family there supporting Hayley and we are so grateful for them and their examples. We were both sick for the first time in her life. She threw up and had a stuffy nose (as far as I could tell that was all - she can't really tell me if her throat was sore) and I had a pretty extreme cold that knocked me off my feet for a few days. We are working on getting her weight percentile back up, it has continually dropped and therefore we've had to supplement a little. She doesn't seem to eat as much as she used to but she's not unhealthy or wasting away, she still has her chubby cheeks and double chin. Maybe she's just going to be a small baby? And I have to tell myself that's ok, as long as she is healthy and happy that's all that matters.

The day she got her shots. :(

My Disney Movie buddy.

She likes to suck on her fist.

The Grandma Susan look.

Her first hike.

Motherhood was a little rough while I was sick, twice on two different weekends. My family and husband had to help with her a lot because I was exhausted and just felt flat out crummy. It was hard to remain patient when I needed to get more sleep and she wouldn't go to sleep right away or when she wouldn't nurse so I'd have to pump and bottle feed, which just took more energy. At times I feel like a bad Mom because she isn't very good at tummy time, and she's dropping in weight percentile, and she doesn't always get breastfed because I work, and sometimes I have to put her down and walk away for a minute or two when she's fussing to say a quick prayer to help myself get through the moment, and sometimes I just want to break down and cry because my life is no longer my own. It's just all these things that seem to add up sometimes. It's like this, " I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once." Am I the only one who is thrilled when my baby goes to sleep so I can actually do something for myself? Why are the only things I read on social media from other Moms always about how they miss their baby when they go to sleep or that they just want to eat them up and stare at them all day long? Yes, I do have those moments but I also have the hallelujah moments when I finally catch that break. It's ok to admit you're human. Brownie points to those Moms who can admit with me that they love being the wife or the athlete or the craft doer, etc.
And then there's also the beautiful talk about Motherhood Elder Holland gave at General Conference, which I missed because that's when I was sick and napping to try and get myself better but eventually read, and he told me that I'm doing better than I think I am and that all will struggle. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way and that everyone has their battles, Elder Holland shared a few difficult ones, but sometimes it feels that way and Heavenly Father knows that, which is why He inspires His servants to tell Mothers that they are "fulfilling the purposes of eternity." So the next time I get down on myself or impatient with my darling little baby I will just have to remember that yes Motherhood is hard, it's hard from the moment you find out you're pregnant 'til the end of your life BUT it is divine and knowing that it is "an essential element of Christ's work" should be enough. And I know that this may seem impossible, but sometimes I feel like Hayley knows I'm about to have a breakdown and she'll just smile at me. Oh how blessed I am to be her Mother. I feel remorseful for having those hard times when I have such an amazing little girl, but I'm only human and one day Hayley will have kids of her own and understand all too well how I feel.
The past three months have taught me so much about life. I am grateful this little girl welcomed me into Motherhood.

Hayley: Two Months

Hayley bug has been in our lives for two months now! And I know parents say this all the time, but it's so true, I really don't know how we lived without her. She has our hearts and we love her more than we can express!

She is showing her personality more and more everyday. She finally started really smiling at 6 weeks and "talking" at about 7 weeks. I love hearing her make her little coos in reaction to seeing or hearing things. She likes bright colored things and will "talk" when you read her picture books. Her hands are active ALL THE TIME. They're in little fists or grabbing on to whatever she can grab - my clothes, her blankets, her other hand. She just barely started sucking on her hands. She only needs fed once during the night, which is super nice for my need of sleep, and is good most of the time about falling back asleep by herself. She is still spitting up, but not as often as she did in her first month. We have gone up to size 1 diapers and she has had blowouts more often, good thing we have spare clothes in the diaper bag! Putting her blanket up around her face will comfort her, but she can't be swaddled because she has to have her arms free to move about if she wishes. She loves to bounce and will fall asleep in her bouncer or in her swing. She discovered her leg muscles a couple weeks ago and is really good at standing up on them. I think if she could hold on to something she would be able to stand, she's that strong. She still sleeps most of the day so whenever we go on adventures she is usually asleep, but I'll just enjoy that while it lasts. She cries when she needs her diaper changed, when she's hangry, and when she needs to go to sleep. She is a jumpy little girl and gets startled easily (my sneezes have caused her to cry from scaring her). Her hair is lightening and we have received some comments about it looking redish. I can see a little strawberry ginge tinge in it. She really is a great little girl and we feel so blessed to have her in our lives! I love that I now know little things about her, what she seems to like and what she doesn't.

Swim baby!

Think the life jacket is too big?

Grandma Susan doing what she does best.

Cherry Hill.

The Zoo.

Daddy's present from his trip to Boston.

I LOVE this smiley girl!

Workin' on tummy time.

 

Chillin' in the bumbo.

I feel like we are getting more adjusted into our roles as parents. We are blessed to have friends and family watch her now that I am back at work and Dan is up on campus more with school. I'm glad I only have to miss her for 4 hours a day for 4 days a week. It was a little weird taking her to someone else's home for a little while, I cried just a bit on my way to work. It's only going to get worse when I have to go back to school but thankfully she'll be little and won't really remember, and I'll try not to worry about those days until they come.
All in all I love being Hayley's Mom and am so grateful for all she has taught me so far. I just want to hug her so close and tight and kiss her and eat her up, I love her so!

Side note: on September 17 we had her two month check-up and she is in the 30th percentile for weight, 60th for height, and 85th for head circumference. Doc is a little worried about her weight and wants me to supplement to get it up a little. She did better than I thought she would getting her shots, didn't cry for too long. I'm glad Dan was there to hold her so I could leave the room. Sad experience but for the best because we want her to live a long, healthy life!

Hayley: One Month

It's hard to believe our little Hayley girl is one month old! I am going to miss my little newborn babe but it's fun to see her grow and change.

I have certainly been very blessed with such an amazing baby girl. She is already sleeping for 6 hours most nights (7 twice!) and was sleeping for 4-5 within her second week. She eats well when she's not falling asleep, although we did have some what of a rough start nursing, and she does get the hunger grumpies - I've been told that she gets that from me. Guilty. She spits up quite often, and so I have learned to always have extra clothes for both of us if we are going somewhere, and I am grateful for burp cloths when she actually spits up on them instead of me or her. The extra clothes come in handy when she has blowouts too, which has only happened maybe 3 times but I'm sure there are more of those to come. She is very entertaining and certainly came with her own personality. I could just sit and watch her all day because of the adorable faces she makes and funny things she does! She makes some interesting noises sometimes; noises I don't think other babies make but they make us giggle. She enjoyed being swaddled for about a week and now hates it because she loves to stretch and sleep with her hands by her face or even over her head. She absolutely loves her binky, we love it too, and Dan has nicknamed it "the precious" (from Lord of the Rings) - that's how important it is. She has almost outgrown all her newborn clothes, and has been wearing 0-3 months from day 1. She hated baths before her umbilical cord fell off cause she wasn't submerged in the water but seems to like them now that she can sit in it. She is a champ at holding her head up and loves to sit up and look around. She really loves to bounce, it will sooth her when nothing else will. She is going to grow up way too fast! We (Dan and I) still can't decide who she looks like, but I think most people have said she looks like me more than Dan.
At her one week check-up she weighed 7 lbs. 14 ounces, only lost 3 ounces. And at her two week check-up she was back up to 8 lbs. 4 ounces. She is in the 50th percentile for height, 60th for weight, and a whopping 90th for head circumference. She has a Hayward head.

Her first week, she looks so different now.

She did not enjoy her bath.

I love those sleepy smiles.

This is how she fell asleep.

Classic bath in the sink.

I love how she looks in her socks!

Her Hayward Build-A-Bear.

Hayley in jeans is the cutest thing ever.

She loves her swing. Thanks Grandma Becky!

Adjusting to Motherhood has been hard, anyone who is a Mother can attest to that, but it is getting easier. The hardest thing for me has been the feelings of losing my own identity and how demanding Hayley is, not blaming her or anything that's just how babies are. I feel as though that's all I am anymore, Hayley's Mom, and there's nothing wrong with that but I miss being an athlete and YW leader and just plain old Ally. I know I'll get all those things back but it has been rough to basically live to take care of this little person, as if I'm only here to feed her and change her diapers. On the other hand, being a Mother is extremely rewarding! I look at her when she's sleeping or when I'm holding her and think about how I wish and hope we will be the best of friends as she grows. And I feel it an honor at times that Hayley wouldn't be able to grow and thrive if it weren't for Dan and I, that she relies on us for everything. It's a very up and down/back and forth type of feeling being a Mom. I get slightly overwhelmed when I think about how I'm going to have to do this all over again AND have a toddler, but this is now my life and I'm happy and grateful to have a family and when the time is right to add to it. I'm grateful that Motherhood is a partnership with Heavenly Father. I could not do this without that eternal perspective.
I have been lucky to have Dan home so often, too. He works every other weekend doing graveyard shifts and all of his classes but one are online so he's around most of the time. I am grateful we had Hayley over the summer cause if school was in I would be in trouble cause Dan is never home, or so it feels that way ha. We would rarely see each other when school is in. My family has been a huge help too. Grandma Susan has taken night shifts and let me get some much needed sleep. I've seen a whole new side to my Dad, he will go to her whenever she makes any type of noise and check on her constantly. It has been fun to see my family with Hayley, they just adore her and she definitely has them wrapped around her finger. Andrea, my Sister-in-Law, threw me a wonderful baby shower for my side of the family and it was nice to finally get girlie things for Hayley bug. I love having a girl to dress up!
I love you Hayley Hayward! Thanks for making me a Mom and showing me how close Heaven really is.