In March of this year I decided to go off my Prozac. When I found out I was pregnant that was one of the first questions I had, would being on this medication affect my baby? My doctor told me that I would be ok until the last few weeks of my pregnancy and should go off it then, if I could. I ran out of refills in March and that was what forced the plunge. April was the month from Hell for me because of all I had to do school wise - I had a project, paper, or test/OP at least once a week that month and it was awful because it heightened my anxiety a lot. Once school was over and I finished my AT hours I was doing better. I could handle my anxiety more and therefore had less depression as well. June was pretty easy, too. I worked a few days a week and just relaxed and tried to prepare for Hayley's arrival. In July I started stressing again because of the not knowing when Hayley would come and how she would affect our lives. However, I was pleasantly surprised at how things went after she made her debut. I was pretty worried about developing postpartum depression and I never did, BUT I still had and have my days where I can feel my anxiety and depression creeping up inside me and sometimes it would get the best of me and others I could "get over it". Maybe I never developed it because I already had it?
But because of those few hard days that would continually occur I went and talked to my doctor at 2 months postpartum about what to do (I want to stay on top of it and never let it get the best of me again). Because I am nursing I was advised to try and stay off Prozac until Hayley is at least 6 months, when she won't have to rely on me so much for her food source, which is almost perfect timing because then I'll be back in school and I know I won't be able to handle this illness without meds. I NEVER want to go back to where I was and I know that being on medication is how I will be able to avoid that, which I am finally beginning to accept. With all that being said, I did really well the first few months of Hayley's life, and then I started feeling worse, hence the visit to the doctor. I am nowhere near to being how bad I was or I would be on Prozac right now, but I can feel it getting a little more out of control than I want it to be. So I will tough out this next month and then get the help I know I will need.
I have so much to be thankful for and I know I am truly blessed, and that's why having anxiety and depression is so extremely frustrating - I know I have so many blessings and things to be happy about but I just can't sometimes. I feel alone because of what this illness does to me. And it's hard for me to talk about it with people who don't understand because sometimes that only gets me more frustrated and depressed. It's a horrible cycle. I know it's not their fault for not being able to understand so I just don't say anything to avoid the conversation I know is coming that won't do me any good. And maybe that's selfish of me but I need to be a little selfish with this illness or things only get worse than they need to. And when I can't take care of myself then I can't take care of others and I really hate not being able to do anything for others, especially my husband and daughter.
Becoming a Mother is a huge life changer, I know any Mother can tell you that. Since I've become a Mother I don't get as much time with my husband, I feel like I don't have as many friends as I used to, I don't have much of a social life, and I don't get any time to myself because it's harder to do things with people or for yourself when you have a demanding little human that needs to eat 3-4 hours and take naps and play and be held and all the things that babies need leaving you with little time for anything else. Even when I do get out I still have to put Hayley first and "miss out" on things because I'm feeding her or changing her diaper or she's crying and I have to calm her down. And I know that every Mom deals with this but when its coupled with anxiety and depression it's different. I worry about all that the future will bring and how I am going to deal with it. I have to get 200 clinical hours in the spring and will be working still. How am I going to do that with a baby? Somehow I know it'll work out but that doesn't mean I can just stop worrying about it. Then next year I'll be a full time student again, be working, and need 200 clinical hours. How am I going to do that with a baby? Again, I know it'll be ok and I have faith that I'll be able to do it but I just don't know how and the unknown stirs the anxiety over and over again. I know it can all get done somehow but then it makes me sad to think that I'll rarely see my daughter during this next year. I know she won't remember it but I will and it hurts my heart a little to think about what I could miss in her life.
At the same time that being a Mother gives me anxiety and depression it also heals it. I am so grateful for Hayley. She is the reason I can handle this as well as I do. I think that if she wasn't here I would be doing a lot worse, she is the reason that I have to get out of bed. She relies on me for almost everything but I need her more than she needs me. When I have hard days, weak moments, struggles, etc. she will bring me back to life with her smile or laugh or the new thing that she has learned or done. I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter and I love her more than she'll ever know.
I know those last two paragraphs contradict each other but that's what having a mental illness will do to you. Welcome to the life of someone living with one. The same thing that runs you into the ground can also be the thing that lifts you out of that hole.
I had a thought this past Fast Sunday during Sacrament Meeting. I was thinking about my mission, where all of this started, and how hard it was while serving and since then. I thought about how "unfair" I thought it all was, and what it did to me. I was a different person while suffering through it on my mission and when I came home. Of course I will never be the same, and most of the time I can live with that, but other times I still resent the person this illness causes me to be. And as I was thinking all this I turned to look at my baby girl in my husband's arms and thought about the baby blessing he gave her in September. I thought about how she was blessed to be a source of happiness and brighten other's lives... and it hit me, that she is going to do that more for me than possibly anyone else. She was given to me by a Heavenly Father who understood what I went through, and still go through, and I don't have to do it alone. She is going to help me through it all. Hayley is going to be my saving grace. My heart just about burst as I had all these thoughts and I feel so overwhelmed with love from my Father in Heaven and grateful that He is so aware of my needs and sends me the help that will get me through my trials.
Hayley is a huge reason I can cope but I would be ungrateful if I didn't mention that my husband and my family also make a huge difference in how I've been able to deal with this, too. They will never know how much their help means to me.
The words from Come, Come Ye Saints come to mind as I think about the future and how I'm going to tackle it all... happy day, all is well! And all will be well, as long as I stay close to Him who knows me best and take things with one hand holding Daniel's and the other holding Hayley's.
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