I thought I knew stuff... and then I served a mission.

Well folks, I have been home for two years today. As if turning 24 this month didn't make me feel old enough, the reminder that I've been home from my mission for two years sure ages me. ;) Most of the time talking about my mission is hard because of all that happened therein but with time I've accepted it and have learned not to be ashamed of why I came home early.

So I just wanted to share some of the great things that I learned and wonderful memories. I want to start with a little poem that's a summary of a mission for those of you who haven't served and don't know fully what it's like.

One Mission

It's impossible to describe a mission, but rather it's the moments. It's sending in your papers. It's opening the call that is signed by the Prophet. It's the time before the MTC that seems like it'll never end. It's hugging your parents - they go one way, and you go off to the greatest adventure of a lifetime. The MTC, the rules, the packages, the classroom, the firesides and devotionals (actually being disappointed when it's not an Apostle speaking). It's flight plans, tons of food, testimonies, and cabin fever. It's the airport, a phone call or two, and off you go out of the swimming hole and into the ocean of uncertainty.

It's mission presidents, trainers, realizing you didn't learn hardly anything in the MTC, and loving it all the same. It's new food, new people, new culture, new language, new currency, new form of transportation, new routine, new everything under the sun (including the sun, which is really hot). It's also a lot of firsts that change: first district meeting, first contact, first lesson, first letter from home, first email home, first Latin companion, first wooden bed that's broken, first shower you fry (with a literal burst of flame), first morning of trunkiness, first Sunday at church, first time a kid speaks to you and you ask your comp if it's Spanish and he only laughs, first First Vision, first baptism - unforgettable, no matter how disorganized it is.

First changes come and it's all a blur after that. It's being anxious for your companion to leave and then, to your surprise, you miss him/her when he/she's gone. It's ninety-nine contacts with nothing but slammed doors, shaking fingers, and lying children ("my Mom says she's not here"), and barking dogs that chase after you. But it's the hope that contact one hundred will be the one. The one that wants to change. The one who has been crying for help to a God that he or she wants to follow, but doesn't know where to find Him. The one who seems perfect: perfect questions, perfect work schedule to come to church on Sunday, perfect kids that don't scream during a lesson, and most importantly, a perfect desire to make it work even if everything isn't perfect. It's the hope that finding the one is what gets you up every morning, gets you out of a member's house in hundred degree plus weather and everybody is sleeping, and gets you to open your mouth and speak, even though you don't speak well and you don't like leaving your comfort zone.

It's finding the one, one convert, one future Priesthood holder, or better yet, one golden family. It's making plans, working with members, and lots and lots of prayers to help that family. Many are found, but few choose to be chosen. It's thousands of disappointments as the family's commitment falls to doubts, gossip, weather, or anything else clever that Satan comes up with on a Saturday night. It's getting the family to church for the first time and helping them feel at home. It's showing them the church, presenting them to the bishop and other leaders, as well as the cute, outgoing teenage girl so that the young man in the investigator family will enjoy the experience as well. It's praying that the bishop's two-year-old won't make too big of a fuss, that the speakers won't teach too much false doctrine, and that they will feel and recognize the Spirit in spite of all that. 

It's when that family gets baptized that the reality of what you're giving them hits you. It's the hope of having an eternal family. It's the hope of a better life, without pain and suffering. It's giving that hope which brings you the greatest satisfaction and joy that you have ever experienced. 

It's like going back in time and appreciating what you had back home. It's the firm declaration that will never complain about vacuuming again when you actually have carpet, or mowing the lawn when you have soft grass to lay on. It's showering with flip-flops and chlorinating your water. It's stepping into the baptismal font with freezing cold water, flipping a bug out, and doing your best to put your happy face on so that the little girl getting baptized doesn't get cold feet.

It's getting home soaked 75-80% of the time, whether from the rain or sweat. It's sitting in front of a fan wondering if you can survive another day in the oven you're living in. It's Elders 14, cockroaches 1 in a matter of two days. It's tapes and packages home, but more coming your way. It's wedding announcements, Dear Johns, pictures, and the realization that life does indeed move on without you.

It's going through five pairs of shoes, ripped pants/skirts, missing buttons, and socks a lot closer to heaven (holy). It's ants, cockroaches, frogs, snakes, lizards, and the little bugs inside you that give you diarrhea.

It's a rainstorm that soaks you and your comp. It's walking or biking through water up to your calves and not having anything else to do but laugh as people look at you like you're crazy (which isn't a complete misconception). It's going out in the rain because an Elder once convinced you that for every rainstorm you go through, your future wife gets hotter.

It's change day, Mother's Day, Christmas Day, Hump Day, birthday, P-day, Friendship day, and Election Day (which always makes for an interesting Sunday). It's good days, bad days, journal entry days, and days that you don't want to end. Those are the good old days. The days that can't be enjoyed unless they come with a price - hard work, sweat, discouragement, frustration, and faith. 

It's discovering that God does hear and answer prayers. Sometimes He takes away everyone else so we can really get to know Him. It's coming to learn in a tiny way the power of the Atonement applies not only to vile sinners, but also to each individual, including you. It's feeling that power and knowing that you'll never be the same.

It's knowing that you have a testimony and nobody can take that from you. It's building it one piece at a time. Joseph Smith was a Prophet. The Book of Mormon is true. The Priesthood keys have been restored. Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God. It's sharing that testimony dozens of times a day that roots it deeply in your soul.

It's watching missionary after missionary give their final testimonies, while you are certain that day will never arrive for you... and then it does. It's learning to live in the moment and not for the moment because all too soon, it's gone. It's the sunsets, the music, the dusty streets, the dirty kids, the tiny houses, and the love of the people. It's soaking it all in, catching every detail, because you'll never get it back.

It's looking up at the night sky on your last night in the mission field and wondering about the effect of one mission. Does one mission really have eternal consequences? Does planting one seed, teaching one lesson, finding one person really matter at all?

Did the mission of The One make a difference? Did His ministry, His teachings, His seed planting have an effect on the eternities? Did His one infinite atonement pay the price of justice and give mercy her claim?

As you fly back to a former life that you're convinced is a dream, it's realizing that while you have been in the service of your fellow beings you have only been in the service of your God. It's feeling your heart and soul overflow with gratitude for the one chance you had to show your worth, give your all, and return with honor. It's becoming like The One, the Only Begotten, the Son of Man, the Prince of Peace, the Savior and Redeemer of all mankind, even Jesus Christ. It's those two years or eighteen months for which you will eternally praise the Lord, as the life that was converted more than any other was only one - yours. 

It's then turning to the passenger next to you and beginning a conversation because you never know the difference one moment can make.

- Elder Nilsen

My mission picture.

I love that so much, there's so much truth to it and it sure takes me back every time I read it. I especially like the questions towards the end, because I think just about every missionary has asked himself/herself those questions. Does one mission really have eternal consequences? I want to tell you that I know it does. I know there were times on my mission when I was very depressed and discouraged and wondered why I was there because no one would listen to us so what's the point? But I learned that the point isn't always for everyone out there that you want to "slap with the Gospel" (as Sister Stokes used to put it), sometimes the point is for you, just like the end of the poem says. It's your life that gets converted the most and I've realized that throughout life we have these challenges or callings because Heavenly Father wants us to learn from what He gives us. I know He is thrilled when we help people along the way but I think He is even more so when He can see that we get it! One of my favorite things to say on my mission, and even now, was that I thought I knew a lot... and then I served a mission (hence the title of this post). I know I don't fully understand everything Heavenly Father puts me through and places before me but I hope I get enough that makes Him proud and happy.

 Some of the best days of my life were on my mission, amidst all the trials and struggles. I have an MTC district whom I grew very close to and love so much. I have companions who have become some of my best friends, I still rely on them, and I love them for helping me through the hardest time of my life. I was fortunate enough to aid in the conversion of some Saints whom I grew to love despite our different backgrounds. I have memories of little chihuahuas chasing me on my bike. I have memories of waking up during storms a little dazed and asking my companion in a childish way if there was a storm. I have memories of seeing people change and want to change right before my eyes. I have memories of learning Spanish and appreciating the people who had patience for my lack in linguistics. I have memories of going to see an OBGYN and getting an ultrasound (of all places to have my first one, my mission), with my poor companion having to endure it with me. I have memories of my companion praying for "the lady down the street" who was really the Mother of the sisters we taught, that's just what they called her but she didn't know that. I have memories of crying over letters from my family, mostly my Mom, and missing them so much it hurt. I have memories of interviews with my mission President and bringing him to tears when I recited the First Vision to him in Spanish and then bore my testimony. I have memories of being so frustrated that people wouldn't accept the truth when it was right there in front of them, I wanted them to just take it and run more than I've wanted anything else! I have memories of the days I was so sick that I couldn't go out and work, the nights I couldn't sleep, the food I couldn't eat. I have memories of playing soccer practically every P-day and finally realizing what I wanted to do for a career. I have memories of washing my hair in the rain with my companion because she thought it'd be fun. I have memories of the moment I found out I had anxiety and depression, I can still picture where I was clear as day, and just falling to the ground with tears streaming down my face and despair filling my heart. I have memories of learning why I needed to serve a mission and all the lessons I learned and am still learning because of it. And I could probably go on forever but I won't, you get the idea. My mission was a big deal and still is a big deal. You hear a lot of RM's say that not a day goes by that you don't think about your mission, and it's the truth.

Is it Worth It?

Is it worth it? I said as we reached our place, to get the door slammed in our face? Is it worth it? I said with a heavy sigh, to wear this shirt and tie? Is it worth it? I said when it's blazing hot, to walk for miles and have nobody taught. I wonder what my friends would say, if I were to go home today? It's not what our friends would say, if I were to go home today, but what the Lord would do today. What if the Savior would have said, "I think I'll give up before I'm dead. Is it worth it Father, to do this thing, for a bunch of people I've never seen? To sweat blood from every pore, so man may live forever more?" It's funny that I am not struck down, for being such a selfish clown. My trials aren't bad at all, compared to Christ's they're kind of small. So if you're feeling kind of sore, because somebody slammed the door, try sweating blood from every pore, for people you've never seen before. 

It is worth it! It's so much more than worth it. A mission will bless your life, your family's lives, and the lives you come across while serving.  To conclude I just want to add some wonderful thoughts from the best talk a missionary could ever read, called "The Fourth Missionary" by Lawrence E. Corbridge.

• Do you think and plan for who you want to become? You are essentially on your own. From this point on, you are wholly responsible for what you do and most importantly who you become. Your greatest work, your most important creation is and will ever be you. 
• There are two ways of evolving: deliberately and accidentally. You can either decide who you want to become and deliberately work toward that end, or you can just go with the flow and become whatever life makes of you. But whatever you become accidentally will not be nearly the full measure of your potential.
• You not only can change, but you do change all of the time. To believe that weaknesses and deficiencies in your character are unchangeable is to reject the central truth of the plan of salvation. 
• Every challenge you face, every hard thing you confront, every bad thing that happens to you, every unfairness, every conflict, every sadness, tragedy, every disappointment and heartache, every temptation and every opposition happens for one purpose only: to give you opportunity to respond by applying in your life the teachings of Jesus. Without opposition the plan would be frustrated, you could not progress and the purpose of life would be unachievable.
• Do you understand that if you are not doing what the Lord would have you do, you cannot believe in yourself; you cannot believe that you are worthy to receive God's help and guidance in your life? 
• The good you do, will do you no good, unless your heart is right! 
• The purpose and central blessing of life is change. It is to be changed to become more like Jesus Christ. It is to incorporate into your character the qualities of His character. It is to move from one degree of intelligence and capacity to the next, and from there to the next, until you see God face to face and know Him and He knows you. The purpose and essential blessing of life is to be changed to become more like the Lord, to realize the full measure of your divine potential.
• You may permit the Lord to change your nature if you give yourself to Him and to His work. He cannot work on what He does not have, and He cannot have you unless you give yourself to Him.
• Only in losing yourself may you find yourself, only by enriching others may you be enriched, only by giving may you receive, only in surrendering may you become free. 
• You are the sum total of all that you have thought, done, said, seen, heard, and felt in this life and before. You change immediately with each good thought, each good act, every good word changes you for the better. When you willingly obey the principles of the gospel, you are changed by the Spirit of God to become incrementally more like Him. The degree of change with each small act of obedience may be small, but it is real and immediate. 
• The realization of your amazing, astounding, and true potential happens only in the hands of the Lord. But you and only you can place yourselves in those masterful, loving hands. Just give it up. Surrender your will to Him. Unconditionally. Withhold nothing. Turn it all over to Him; all of your desires, wishes, dreams, and hopes. 
• You can not only be changed to become more like Christ, the whole plan of salvation is designed in favor of your success! Everything has been organized to maximize your opportunity to succeed. 
• It is easier to walk with the Lord than it is to labor against Him. Do not just look the part of a disciple of Christ, be a disciple of Christ. 

I gave myself a mission motto in the MTC and would read this talk every transfer to help me remember what I was doing out there and the missionary I wanted to be. My mission motto was Matthew 10:39, I wrote it on the front of every planner so I would see it everyday. It states, "He that findeth his life shall lose it; and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." I know that to be true, deeper than I know a lot of things to be true because I have seen it and experienced it.
As always, I hope this touched someone's heart, as my experiences and these talks/poems have touched mine. Once a missionary, always a missionary!