Joshua Daniel: One Month

Joshua is a month old today! It still doesn't quite feel real that he's here because he's been in the NICU his entire first month of life. We just go and visit our baby, but he doesn't feel like our baby because it's only for a few hours at a time we see him. It's a very strange feeling and we're all beyond ready to have him home. The girls ask me almost daily when he will be.

Little man is honestly a miracle. My OB told me that with my abruption it's kind of like a chicken or the egg situation, we don't know if I abrupted first or if I abrupted when my water broke. But I have a theory that my placenta abrupted first and that's why I was cramping and contracting for over a day before my water did break. Plus he wasn't moving that much and I'm guessing it's from him being in and swallowing my blood. I don't like thinking about that too much cause it makes me sad, and I'm grateful he got it all out of his system in the first few days (he was pooping it out and spitting it up). 
It's been a long month, but I'm grateful it's been pretty uneventful. I've been told that boring in the NICU is good and I feel so blessed that Josh has been healthy. So then why isn't he home? The NICU is still considering how many weeks gestation he is, which is 36 weeks as of Tuesday. He still has to figure out how to eat, which is something he'd do in the womb so we have to treat it like that. I have been trying to tell myself that since he's doing the rest of his cooking in the NICU instead of my belly. But that hasn't made any of this easy.

I didn't see much of him while I was in the hospital recovering from my C section. Even though I rode a wheelchair to get up to see him it was hard to stand for long periods to look at him, and we couldn't hold him yet. There have been pros and cons to this whole thing and one of them I'm choosing to see as a positive is that I was able to recover probably better because I didn't have a baby to look after. That sounds so terrible to me, but hopefully it makes sense. I have been pumping every few hours and wake up in the night to do so but it's obviously not near the level of tired it is when I'm actually feeding a baby. And I'm so amazed at my body and how it started producing milk from just consistently pumping. I've got a good stash in the NICU and at home already too. 

Josh was whisked to the NICU once he was stable after they cut him out of me. Dan and I got to see him in his incubator for a few minutes before they took him. It was weird not to be able to hold him. And we couldn't hold him for the first five days because he had an umbilical arterial line in and if those come out on accident they can bleed a lot and it can be hard to get it to stop. So we'd just get to talk to and touch him from his little bed. I cried the day (September 8th) I walked in to the nurse holding him and telling me I could too. It was the best thing ever. I felt like I finally started getting to know him, and him me. Doing skin to skin with him quickly became one of my favorite things.

Once his line was out he moved into a "box" as we called it. He was in it to help him regulate his temperature. And he was freed from that on September 15th and has been in his little bed since. 
For only being 32 weeks it was also amazing that he didn't need surfactant to help him breathe, but he did need caffeine to stimulate his breathing. He could breathe, but sometimes he'd forget to because it was natural for him yet. He also needed oxygen for three days. We walked in to his tube being gone on September 6th. He also only needed to be under the bilirubin lights for two days. He got to wear a cute little protective mask over his eyes while under them.

Once I could walk around again without hunching over and getting tired it has been easier to visit him. I couldn't drive for the first week and a half post op so I was grateful to have drivers to take me to see him, and have some company while there too. I'm glad my Mom got to hold him before she went home. And it was fun to have the girls got to meet him, and eventually hold him too. They love him so much already! They've been praying for him every day since he was born.

He didn't start bottle or breastfeeding until after 34 weeks gestation. It's not even introduced before then because babies haven't developed enough to be able to do it. He did get a dipped paci twice a night leading up to the days he started bottles and the breast to introduce the taste and sucking sensation. He was getting all his food through his NG tube up until that point. He still gets some of his feedings through his tube, but he's been getting a bottle more and I have been breastfeeding him any chance I get when I'm there for a feeding. He's slowly been getting better at drinking his bottles. He'll drink more and do it without having any "spells." He did decent with breastfeeding the first week and then he was super sleepy and wouldn't really wake up to eat for a few days, and today he had a whole feeding just breastfeeding! If he doesn't breastfeed for long enough they gavage (feed him through his tube). And he'll get to gavage in between some feedings to give him a rest too. It's a lot of work to figure out how to eat! 

The past week or so has been especially hard for me for some reason. I cry almost every time I have to leave him. I feel like I've gotten a tiny glimpse of what the grief aspect of this would be like. It's not normal to be separated from your baby like this and it hurts my heart. I'm grateful every day that he will come home eventually and I have a baby to visit. Dr. Whitton (his doctor) also told that this is the worst part of it all, which made me feel better. Being patient is not my strength and we all just want him to come home! I've been told by his doctor and a couple nurses that it'll just click one day though and then there'll be no looking back.

The least he weighed was 4 lbs. 10 oz. and now he is up to 5 lbs. 10 oz. So he's definitely growing. I don't think he'll be in preemie clothes too much longer. And maybe not preemie diapers either. He has blowouts all the flipping time! I've only been there for a few, but I swear I have to take home a dirty outfit to wash every other day cause he exploded in it. 

I've learned so much through this experience, from medical things to having more empathy for NICU families and gratitude for neonatologists and nurses. The nurses at WK South have been phenomenal! And we love his doctor. Such a great team there and it eases my heart a little knowing how well looked after he is. 

This is what he was transported in to the NICU.

He liked to grab his oxygen tube and pull it out so he had to be blocked ha.

Hayley meeting him.

Evelyn meeting him.

Paige meeting him.

The nurse made this little heart out of his tape and I thought it was the sweetest thing ever.

They're obsessed with him.

He often has his hands up by his face.

Figuring out how to suck on that paci.

First pic as a family of six!

First bottle. September 23rd.

Grandma Becky's pickleball friend made this hat for him. Only left it on for the picture so he didn't overheat.

Loved his little football tape!

We love you Joshua Daniel Hayward! Definitely worth everything experienced in pregnancy and birth. Can't wait to have you home with us!