Feeling grateful!

After my last blog I just want to quickly say how thankful I am to so many of you! Countless people text me, messaged me, or came up to me and talked about what I had to say and it was so refreshing. It helps immensely to know that I am not alone in this, and I always knew that, but to relate to others and talk about it is wonderful. THANK YOU!
There are a few people I must thank in particular. First of all, my companions from the mission. Hermana Ruano, my wonderful trainer who showed me great strength. She was and still is an amazing example to me. Her love helped me through my mission. Hermana Ramirez, my second trainer. She showed me what missionary work was, it is work! She's a little energizer bunny and I'm grateful for her example in that way. Hermana Stokes... where do I begin? We went through SO much together. From Sister Papa trying to fix me to going to an OBGYN to getting ice cream when I had rough days. She was my rock when I found out about my illness. I feel bad that she had to see all that but I know she was with me for the purpose of helping me. I can't thank her enough! Hermana Vidal was my sister. We're all sisters, of course, but she was more than my best friend. I went through the roughest part of my mission with her and she was patient and loving. We had fun and success even though I was pretty sick. I was blessed to serve with my MTC companion again, Hermana Regis, my last two weeks. We were in a trio with Hermana Pena as well. At this point I knew I was going home and they were supportive and wanted me to have the best last two weeks I could. I really appreciated that.

Hermana Ruano, the first time we met. She made me feel loved from the beginning.

Hermana Ramirez, at one of my favorite places, Taco Palenque.

Hermana Stokes, off road biking.

Hermana Vidal, celebrating Mexico's Independence Day.

My trio, Hermana Pena and Regis, the day I flew home.

I have to throw in there all my wonderful friends who wrote me while I was out there. I'm glad you stuck with me through all of this. And then the friends I made because of it. It's amazing who Heavenly Father puts in your life when you need them.
I already thanked my wonderful fiance, but can never thank him enough. When I got home I was scared about having a relationship in my "condition" but thought that maybe that's part of the reason I came home earlier, because there were several guys I thought it was going to work out with. But alas, it did not for one reason or another and then Dan came into my life and I knew that he was the one I was waiting for. Like I said before, he didn't try and fix me or blame my condition on things that didn't make sense. He accepted me, all of me, and that was what I truly needed. When I still have hard days I tell him and he is right there to help me out in anyway he can. I love him and am so grateful I get to be with him for eternity.

Finally I have to thank the most important people, my family. They were there for me before all of this and will still be there long after. It's kind of hard to explain but I felt closer to them on my mission than at any other time in my life, even though that's when I was farthest from them. My Mom was the best. She would E-mail me every week and write a hand written letter too. She would say things to me that helped me with things I didn't even tell her about. She knew I'd need help with things before I did, her hand written letters would be written before something would happen during the week and it'd be just what I needed. I was being watched out for. My testimony of parent child relationships and parents receiving revelation for their children grew immensely because of her. She was there for me in every possible way she could be. 

I wanted to share a letter my Mom wrote to me on September 5, 2012:

Sister Allyson Harris,
Once upon a time there was a really cute, chubby little blonde-haired baby girl. She had great cheeks that you loved to kiss, chubby little hands that were so cute trying to do all the things they wanted to. She was a good little girl for the most part, willing to sleep when she was supposed to, eat when she was fed, liked dolls and books. She was usually a kind-hearted little child also, willing to share, hugged and kissed on demand, liked to snuggle, dress up and ride things, like to play outside. She became a very cute toddler, grew a little, lost her baby fat, still had a great smile and warm heart. Was loved in every class she was in, be it Primary or school, learned how to get along with siblings and do what she was expected to do. Still loved to play outside, especially kicking that black and white ball. Sometimes her shirt would cover her shorts that it looked like she was running around in a dress, and between that and the knee socks, you rarely saw any skin. Blonde hair in a ponytail, running after the ball!

Who knew that it would grow into the love that it has for this child, some just play for a while, dabble in it, don't give their heart to it. But this child gives her heart to many things, to her family, to her religion, to her friends and certainly to soccer. For being a smaller person, even now as a young adult, she has a huge heart to share, and feels things very deeply, has a tender spirit that gets bruised along the rough road of life. She has been blessed, no major trauma in her life thus far, all close family is alive and well, has had really good physical health, once those tonsils got removed! Has great skin, pretty hair, teeny feet that are good for a tease or conversation starter, sometimes both. She did well in school, did very well in the social scene at school and community, touched many lives from the mailman, to little boys she babysat, to the parents of friends that "just love her!" 

And now, she is out serving the Lord, and things have not been as 'expected'. She got her wish to learn a language as she has skills in that area, stayed state-side so "fun boxes" could happen at least monthly and was called to the place prepared for her, and where she is 'tall'. What more could you ask for?! It seemed to start off ok, few struggles in the MTC with the routine there, the changing from Ally to Hermana Harris and it was a longer stay than most. But hit the field at a good time, doing well, excited to serve as she'd been taught, realized that she really did need to study Spanish as it was now so different and began to understand what mission life is all about. There were ups and downs, got to run a little and ride bikes a little, temperatures heated up, companions changed, areas changed and there began to be more downs than ups. Mental struggles, inner concerns and worries, began to manifest in physical pain. Tests are run, things are tried, diet concerns arose and control began to slip. Pills were introduced, suggestions made to identify the crisis and a continuing downward spiral is the current status. Is it completely out of her hands? Is she now so tired and worn, so broken and in despair that she can't pull out of this?

I just don't know, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I have been praying for her with such intensity now for months, that this trial might be put aside, or overcome. Temple trips have increased, time on knees has increased, fasts have been held, and more prayers. What has happened, how this came to be, how to overcome have all been wondered about, been questioned, and answers have been sparse. People are in place to help her, will she allow it? I alternate between despair for her well-being, and wanting to tell her to fight, be tough, dig deep and deal with it - she can overcome. I don't feel I'm faithless, but do admit to being helpless, and reminding myself over and over, that it's in the Lord's hands. And so I remind her that it's in HIS hands, not in hers to decide. 

This person who grew out of that cute little girl, has a stubborn streak in her. It was evidenced in her youth and all through her growing up years. And when she gets something in her mind, she tends to stick with it, whether it's right or wrong. And this decision will effect her eternally, so all the better that she leave it in eternal hands. I do NOT doubt that it is hard, what she shares with me hurts my heart,  it must be a struggle to do about everything. Believing the end is in sight would be wonderful, no doubt, having experienced the last months, but maybe her end isn't in sight, maybe her 'Job' experience is not over, the silver hasn't been purified completely, the spirit is still in training. And I'm only offering the thought to be open... to be led. As I was reminded this week in my scripture study: "Wherefore, brethren, seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy, over all his works."

I love this missionary more than I can ever express. I have loved her for 22 years, through physical pain of getting her here on earth with a healthy body, to emotional pain of trials experienced and overcome. A bad day when a friend was mean, another day when she was locked out of the house, sick days at the doctor, hurts on the field, heart hurts from friends and boys, and soccer team postings that were missing her name. I am so not perfect and readily admit to not knowing much or having answers, but I have faith in my God and knowledge that He is in the Heavens and in charge. I have some knowledge of this daughters emotional processes, those things she worries about, those things that mean so much to her. I have not experienced all the same things, but I have some understanding beyond those, and would again share warning to strive to finish - IF physically able and guided to so do - what she agreed to do... here on earth, and earlier in the heavens. To not come home for ANY reason other than completion of her mission as guided by her President and the spirit. That may mean for health concerns shortly, that may mean more weeks down the road, but when it happens, that it's with the knowledge that she completed the work she was called to do.

This daughter need not fear or question that I will not be supportive of what happens, I will. But it will be in her best interest, for now and next year, for a decade down the road and 3 beyond that, if she leaves nothing behind, gives her all that she is asked to do. She has to believe that she will not be asked beyond what she can handle, and take comfort in her Savior, in the deepest of despair. I have shared this with her before, the rest of the chapter is great also. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

IF it's right, it's right, whatever IT is. Make sure it's right, it's what we ALL want for her.

Dottie Hinson: "It just got too hard." Jimmy Dugan: "It's supposed to be hard! If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great!"

I read that letter over and over for the rest of my mission. It touched me in a way that only a mother can touch a child. I still read it with tears in my eyes because of how tangible it is. My wonderful Mother and I don't always see eye to eye, but my mission taught me how much she loved me. I learned why she did some of the things she did while I was growing up and will be forever grateful for her. She is the strongest person I know and I am grateful to be her daughter. She's my example, and I would be honored to be half the person she is. I love you Mom!