Pregnancy Number One

I've been keeping a little Pregnancy Journal as this pregnancy has gone on because I want to remember it, maybe that's not a good thing ha, and be able to compare it to other pregnancies or even tell my kids about their lives in the womb one day. For those of you who have had it worse than me: I applaud you a million times and count my blessings! For those of you who haven't been pregnant yet: enjoy the read ha.

March 9, 2015
As of now, I am 21 weeks and this pregnancy has actually been pretty rough for me. When I hit about 6 weeks I started having the morning sickness, AKA the all day sickness. Every single morning, without fail, I would dry heave. Finally, when I was 14 weeks (which was about the third week of December) I asked my doctor for something and she prescribed Diclegis, which seemed to help in the beginning a little and I finally felt like I was getting better but then after a few more weeks the dry heaving turned into vomiting. So I started vomiting and/or dry heaving every morning, which wouldn’t always just end in the morning and led to me being in bed all day and being hungry because I didn’t want to eat. My doctor said to keep taking the Diclegis so I have been and this past week I only threw up 3 days out of 7, that’s progress! Let’s hope it’s the beginning of no more sickness. I’m not getting my hopes up too high though because part of me thinks I may just be sick for the entire 40 weeks.

13 weeks, starting to show!

I know things could be a lot worse but I have gotten pretty frustrated and sad at times with how sick I’ve been. I have missed school and work sometimes because I can’t get up without feeling awful. I have thrown up during class and work; luckily I have made it to the bathroom in all cases. On top of that I have had bloody noses, did you know those were a side effect of pregnancy? Yeah, me either until I got one! I have had horrendous ligament pain, one day my ankle was so bad it hurt to take every step, and another day I couldn’t stand up straight for a few hours because it hurt too bad. Up until about 18 or so weeks, I had the worst acne I have ever had, I felt like a teenage boy going through puberty. Luckily that has cleared up because I hated it so much as if getting larger isn’t enough to make you feel less beautiful let’s cover your face with zits! There have been a lot of tears and moments where I just want to give up, but I know it’ll be worth it, and let's be honest how do you really give up when you're pregnant? There's not much you can really do about it.

14 weeks.

Pregnancy has been a very big adventure; full of fun new things I seem to learn through experience almost every day. The ultrasounds and finally feeling my baby move for the first time, on February 9, have been the little things to keep me from going into total despair. I just have to think about the moment when that little nugget gets placed into my arms, that is what keeps me going.
As far as cravings go, I would have to say that I have had some. At times I think it’s just food that happens to sound good because when you’re barfy or nauseous that can sure limit what you want to eat. But certain things I have noticed are in the first trimester I really loved grilled cheeses, I ate those a lot, oh and Top Ramen. And now in the second I am addicted to the easy mac and cheese, not the kind in the box but the kind in the little bowls that you microwave. Now that I’m nearing the end of the second trimester it has turned into peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Daniel is grateful that all these monster cravings have been cheap things ha. Other things I can remember off the top of my head are one day I really wanted Skittles, but not just any skittles, they had to be the kind in the blue bag. And another time I wanted those cosmic brownies, but it was around Valentine’s Day so they were heart shaped. Ha, I have been very specific at times and others it has just been something that comes close. Dan has been sweet enough to indulge me for the most part. I am so grateful for him in all of this, I can’t imagine going through it alone.

He has held my hair back for me when I’ve been throwing up in my barf bucket, he has gotten me my barf bucket when I’ve needed it, he has rubbed my back when I feel sick, he usually is good at getting me treats I want or like, he has rubbed my feet when it's been a long day, he has held me when I’ve been crying or complaining about this pregnancy, and he has randomly grabbed or scratched my tummy at times and said, “baby!” in his cute little voice. I adore my husband. I think we are going to have a little Daniel because at every appointment I’ve had so far the baby has been a little bigger than average. And it moves like crazy and Becky told me Daniel did too. Not to mention I feel like I can eat constantly, which Dan does ha.

17 weeks.

That also reminds me, we are not going to find out the gender, obviously until our nugget is born. Some people have been very supportive (like my Mother) and others have thought we are crazy, which is most people we tell. They say they couldn’t do it because they’re too much of a planner, well, I am too and I’m planning on having a baby so I’ll be prepared for that. Why does it matter if I know it’s a girl or boy? Who cares! You can still get all the essentials and the baby will be just fine getting its clothes after it’s born. Clearly, I’m passionate about not finding out ha. We have names picked out for both genders. We’ll see what happens. At first, Dan wasn’t on board but then a lady in one of his classes that has some kids said that it’s fun because it’s one of the last fun surprises you get as an adult. I think it’ll be that much more fun and rewarding when we have the babe.

20 weeks, halfway there!

March 28, 2015
On March 16 I had my targeted ultrasound, it’s the longer one where the doc will look at the heart’s chambers and kidneys and limbs to make sure everything is forming and developing well. Dan went with me and we were told that our baby looks great, everything is developing how it should, and that our baby has a cute profile – with its nose and lips all full. It was really fun to see the 3D scan, except that the whole time the baby would not really move the hands out of the face. Those hands were up there about the whole time, we did get some glimpses of its cute little face though (my parents think it has a Harris' nose). The doc would try and push the soundhead against the baby to try and get it to move the hands but no such luck. Our baby is beautiful and I cried a little when we saw the first 3D images. Technology is amazing and I’m so grateful we have it to make sure our baby is doing well.

24 weeks.

I am 24 weeks now and I think I have finally gotten over the morning sickness, yay! It’s been a long time coming. I still take my drugs at night just to be safe but when they run out I don’t think I will have to get them refilled. I have been unusually more tired though like I was in the first trimester. It could be the bathroom trips I have to make every night around 2-3 AM ha. So I take a nap whenever I can to try and help with my exhaustion. It has gotten a little more difficult to breathe and it kind of makes me smile sometimes that just going up some stairs makes me huff and puff. I really miss being able to play sports and be more active but all in due time.

26 weeks.

May 22, 2015
I am 32 weeks and feeling large (today at our appointment baby’s weight estimate was 4 lbs. 4 oz.). At my last appointment, when I was 30 weeks, the Doc told Dan and me to expect at least an 8-pound baby. Each appointment the babe was larger than average so I was kind of expecting that but secretly hoping it wouldn’t be the case. This will be fun! Ha, hopefully, he/she isn’t too much more than 8 pounds. Baby was head down and face down, ready to be born! Now I just need the last few weeks to hurry on by so we can meet this little one.
I have stopped having cravings, and my appetite has decreased as well. I’m not as hungry as I was in the first two trimesters. I really dislike getting dressed these days because my body is limiting in what I can wear. My belly button doesn’t stick out, yet. My feet have started to swell occasionally, they are definitely worse when I’ve been standing for long periods of time but will still swell randomly even when I haven’t been on them much. It’s getting more and more difficult to breathe because of how big my uterus and baby are now. Sometimes I try and push him/her down so that I can breathe better. And the cute little feet have found my ribs, which has been interesting – to have your ribs touched from the inside. Because my belly is getting bigger Dan has had to push me out of the bed or off the couch sometimes because it’s hard to do it myself. I feel like a whale that’s stuck on land or something ha.

32 weeks.

This whole pregnancy I have planned on doing a natural birth, and from talking to our neighbor and friend who is a midwife I found out about Hypnobirthing, so Dan and I started classes about 3 weeks ago. I have really enjoyed it because it has just confirmed for me what I already felt within – that women’s bodies are designed to be able to give birth and that we know how to do it. Yes, I understand that sometimes medical intervention is necessary, and no, I will not turn it down if it will save my baby or me, but I want to trust in my body and baby because I know Heavenly Father designed us this way. Families are essential to His plan and why would he make something that is so essential so difficult? Women have been doing this since the beginning of time and so why has medical intervention increased so much in the past 50-100 years? I’ve come to learn that a huge reason is fear and I do not want to fall into the norm of being terrified of something that is natural and so beautiful. The class has taught me how to trust in my body, and even my baby, and go into a relaxed state so that I can be more in tune with my body and baby while going through labor. I want to be able to feel my baby coming into the world as his/her own pace, not by force through pushing or anything else. I already feel more prepared and less scared, which are pretty huge when you’re going to give birth ha. I want to enjoy the process of bringing our child into this world, not dread it or be scared of it, and I feel like I will be able to do that now. I will trust that my baby knows when it’s time and that my body will go along with it, I just hope that time is sooner rather than later.
And I just feel the need to say that I’m not doing this natural because I feel like I’m stronger than other women or that I have something to prove, I’m doing it because I truly feel like childbirth is just that, natural. I don’t want drugs to alter my baby’s experience or mine and I want to be able to move around and recover as fast as possible. We shall see what happens!

36 weeks.

June 26, 2015
I am now 37 weeks, full-term! Finally, not that that means much though because baby could still be in there for four more weeks if he/she wanted. I had a Doctor’s appointment today and am dilated at 2 cm and baby weighs 6 pounds 13 ounces. I am pretty relieved I’ve started dilating, especially because I have been having menstrual feeling cramps for a week and that’s a sign that your body is prepping so I’m glad it hasn’t been for nada. I am increasingly out of breath and feel like I can’t breathe sometimes. I kind of wish this baby would realize it’s literally running out of room and just come into the world, ha. Braxton Hicks contractions are a daily occurrence, along with the poor little one getting the hiccups (sometimes even more than once a day.) I have had some return of the morning sickness – thrown up three times in the past three weeks. Luckily it’s not as frequent as it was but nausea seems to last a lot longer. I use the bathroom at least three times a night, usually 2-3 hours apart, and therefore I take naps as often as I can because sometimes I struggle falling back asleep after getting up, not to mention I'm just tired anyway. I cry out of nowhere for no reason, and things that are tender make me cry a lot more easily. I am hot about 80% of the time and sleep with just the sheets and a fan on. I wear Dan’s clothes half as much as I wear mine. My belly button will stick out now sometimes and I feel very large ha. I really am amazed at my body and its ability to stretch and grow so much for this little human inside me.

Oh and I just have to share this funny story so I’ll remember it. When I was about 35 weeks I called my Mom later in the evening to ask for a sleeping bag and foam pad for Girl’s Camp and the first thing she asks is if I’m at the hospital. You think she wants a grandchild? Ha it made me laugh.

June 30, 2015
38 weeks tomorrow. Come out, come out Baby Hayward! I just really want to meet you. The past few days have been kind of rough. On Saturday I started having a little bit of pain in my pelvis on the left side and it got worse as the day went on from walking and moving. Then on Sunday, it was miserable. Every step and little movement hurt so bad! And it was also located in my pubic bone, not just my pelvis anymore. So yesterday I was in bed most of the day just trying to rest and hope the pain would go away since I wasn’t irritating it. Thankfully, it did and by the end of the day, I was almost back to normal. Bummer that today it has come back a little but it’s just from the baby being “engaged” as they call it and I guess I should be grateful for that since it means baby is that much closer to coming out!
One thing that has been especially difficult, besides all the fun mentioned above, has been my anxiety and depression. I feel I have done a good job of not letting it show but I can feel it affecting me almost daily. Because of all the things I’ve experienced with this pregnancy it has made me feel a little depressed and given me anxiety because I haven’t always known how to handle it or it will irritate me that I can’t do things I used to. I have been off Prozac since about March and wanted to for the baby, but I can tell such a difference in myself and wish I didn’t need it anymore. This has kind of shown that I’m not ready to be off it for good, yet, hopefully, one day. And I wonder about going back on it when baby comes but then I’ll be breastfeeding so I hesitate. I can only hope and pray that I can do this, and even though it has been hard and taken a toll mentally I have so far and need to believe I can continue to do so. I know Heavenly Father has helped me through all this and I know He will continue to because I am doing what He has asked as best I can. Oh, how I am so grateful that He is there and that He loves me enough to help me daily.

 July 3, 2015
I’m dilated to 3 cm and 80% effaced, and baby is 7 lbs. 3 oz. So close yet probably still so far away. At night, and now sometimes during the day, I get menstrual like cramping. My back is sore almost always because of how big my belly is and I forget to not stand with my belly sticking out, but it’s just kind of natural. I sometimes have the pregnant waddle going on because of the pain in my pelvis and pubis. I start out the day feeling decent and after walking just a little bit the pain is killer. Good thing I don’t really have places to be. I have finally finished getting everything for the hospital bag and now it just needs packed.

39 weeks.

July 10, 2015
And another Doctor’s appointment has come and gone. I’m still at 3 cm, I kind of knew I hadn't progressed anymore. I am getting increasingly uncomfortable and more and more anxious to have this child. I really wish he/she would just come! I just want to get the whole labor and birth over with. I think about it all the time and just want to do it so I don’t have to worry about it anymore. Sleeping is getting harder because now, even when I sleep on my side, my leg or butt will fall asleep or I’ll have nerve pain and pubic pain. I am continuing to have false labor, stomach and backaches, and the ever fun cramping. I’m going to start taking it personally that this baby doesn’t want to meet Dan and me ha. At least the car seat is in the car, the hospital bag is packed, and everything else is ready to go that we'll just need to grab when it's finally time.

BUT with all that said at the end of each day I am grateful that I get to become a Mother, that Heavenly Father would send one of His precious children to our care is very humbling. And I am grateful for this experience and all that I have learned from it and will learn. When I was little and would get sent to time out, it was on a stool that faced a wall that had a sign on it which said, "Motherhood is not for wimps." Ain't that the truth! This baby isn't even born yet and I totally agree with that statement full heartedly.

We Moved & Some Thoughts

Dan and I recently moved, only two blocks so we're still in the same neighborhood/ward but we needed to because we're having a baby (in case you didn't already know). Our wonderful first apartment only had one bedroom, it was very large, but we need two with a little one on the way. And we have a dishwasher! Marriage sure helps you appreciate a lot of little things. I thought I would be more nostalgic moving out of our first place but I haven't looked back. It's nice to have some positive change.
I feel like that has been about the only positive change lately. I am overwhelmed to say the least. I found out this week that I have to get 200 hours of clinicals this semester instead of just 150. That's about 12 hours a week, a second part-time job. I already have a part-time job and have 16 credit hours of school. Plus being pregnant has slowed me down with throwing up in class and feeling nauseous and tired. All I want to do is put my feet up and eat ice cream or whatever I'm craving at the moment. I keep getting told that it'll get better but I'm still waiting for that day to come.
I can't think about the future too much or it stresses me out even more. I have to get 250 clinical hours over the summer, next fall, and next spring semester. I will have a newborn then and Dan is taking like 18 credits in the fall and who knows how much in the spring. How are we going to survive?! This is where I need those of you who have done all this and more to tell me that you have and how you did it! I need help, comfort, something.
Part of me wants to drop out and figure something else out because I feel like I'm knowingly tying my feet to a weight and jumping off the deep end and I have the ability to stop it but I also have had a goal for myself since I was young to get a Bachelor's degree. I don't really enjoy school anyway BUT I really want to be an Athletic Trainer. What to do?
At Stake Conference a week ago we sang Praise to the Man, and I got a little teary eyed singing "sacrifice brings forth the blessings of Heaven," and I'm ever realizing that that is the truth, the bottom line if you will. My Mom recently posted this quote on my wall on Facebook, "You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make." -Gordon B. Hinckley. I do want to be an athletic trainer, but I want to be a Mom even more. So I'm not sure what to do right now but I believe I will figure it out eventually. This whole pregnancy thing hasn't been easy, and being a Mom won't be either, but it will be worth it. That's on repeat in my mind: it will be worth it.

The Greatest Gift

Christmas time is the most wonderful time of the year! And this Christmas we have a wonderful announcement, the greatest gift we will ever receive (besides of course our Savior and His Atonement), the gift of becoming parents!

Our little nugget is coming July 2015. We weren't planning on having a child for another year but I guess Heavenly Father had other plans. We are really excited though! I have been wanting to be a Mother for years, I guess it's just that innate Motherly thing girls are born with. And it especially hit me when I was on my mission. I don't know why but I thought about becoming a Mother more than I ever had when I was a missionary. I learned a lot about myself and the purpose of the Gospel and life and I guess that's where it came from.

I found out on November 3. I had an annual exam with my OB a week and a half before and I had been taking the pill but had it in my head that I might be pregnant, so when I was there I had them do a pregnancy test and it came back negative. I'll be honest, I was a little disappointed but felt ok because Dan and I weren't planning on it yet. But then I started having to use the bathroom a lot more and I was late on my menstrual cycle. So I bought some cheap home pregnancy tests and couldn't believe the result! I saw those two lines and just started crying, and freaking out a little. It still hasn't really hit me, even though I've heard my baby's heartbeat and dry heave or throw up every morning and feel hungry ALL the time.

A little less than 7 weeks, that's our baby's heartbeat!

After I found out I was pregnant I had to figure out how I was going to tell Dan. I was really scared to tell him because of how he'd react to the news, with us not being as prepared as we would have liked. He had received a package for the dirt bike a few days before and the box was still sitting on the table so I decided to tell him he got another package and it was waiting for him when he got home. I put the pregnancy test and a shirt that says, "I can't keep calm I'm going to be a Daddy," in it and waited for him to get home and open it. He took a few seconds and the first thing he said was, "You really are pregnant?" Ha, I still have to laugh a little about that. I just told him that it looks that way and what he was thinking. He was excited and that made me really happy. We sat and talked for a little while about it and hugged and kissed. We're going to be parents!

About three weeks later I had my doctor's appointment. That's when it hit a little more that I was having a child, sitting around these other women with children and pregnant bellies. It was a beautiful moment when I got to see and hear our baby's heartbeat. I got teary-eyed and still am in awe that us women can grow little bodies inside of us and how fast they do grow and begin to function. It truly is a miracle and a wonderful gift!

I had to tell my parents the weekend I found out, I couldn't wait and wanted to be able to talk to them about it. My Mom guessed, which I was kind of bummed about, but oh well. My Dad got a little teary eyed and that was touching. They both have been great and cute about their little grandbaby. We told Dan's parents the same evening, they didn't believe us at first ha. We told the rest of our siblings when we saw them and sent out Christmas cards with the news to our extended families and now it's finally time to announce it to all of you.

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father for having a plan for us and knowing that it's better than the plan we have for ourselves. I'm grateful He sent His Son to atone for our sins that we may return to live with Him again and be with our families forever. It wouldn't be possible without Him! He is the greatest gift.

24 & Surgery

I turned 24 on Sunday, October 26. I had gotten my hair cut from a friend a few weeks earlier that turned 24 and she told me how she cried because she realized some things with her age. At the time I kind of thought that was odd but the morning of my birthday I cried too. Sometimes I just feel like I haven't done much with my 24 years of life. I served a shorter mission than most (which I realize was enough for the One that really matters but it's still hard sometimes), I only have an Associate's Degree in General Studies, I don't have any children (which will come in time but in the LDS community 24 seems old to not have kids), and I haven't really left a mark on society. I don't know why I feel the need to do so but I guess I just feel like I'm meant for something more, at least I want to believe I am. I want to accomplish more in life and be someone who was remembered for doing good, remarkable things. Sorry for getting so deep! Ha that's just what was going through my mind and that's why I cried. But apparently I'm not the only one, just different ages for us girls. I wonder if guys ever cry on any of their birthdays...?
Dan and I were planning to go the drive-in on Friday the 24th but it was closed. So we got some Zupas and I felt like playing with a baby, what else is new?, and so we text our friends and asked if we could watch their little man while they went to the temple. Luckily they said yes, and we got to play games with them after they got out of their session. And then on Saturday my awesome in-laws took us to Ruby River Steakhouse, that was the first time I'd been there and it was really good. We hung out at our apartment for a little while after and I got some awesome gifts from them. I got tons of oreos over the weekend, some gummy bears, a fit bit, some cute shoes from my hubby, and birthday money. Sunday we hung out with my family. My Mom made some delicious chicken tortilla soup per my request, oh and cake pops! I think I've asked for those the last three birthdays because I love them. Way better than just plain cake. We played games, made some goodies, and got to catch up with each other. I am so blessed. I am so often reminded of how amazing my families are!

The Wednesday before my birthday Dan ruptured his achilles playing basketball. I applied my knowledge from my Athletic Training program and took care of him to the best of my ability. I did some tests and RICES and then we went to the doctor on Monday. The doctor performed the same test I did, that made me feel good, and we scheduled surgery for Friday- Halloween. His Dad was nice enough to get him a scooter from amazon so that he could get around better than crutches because crutches are wretched! (Although now that he has had his surgery he has to use them around the house, but at least not at school all the time.)
So we were at the hospital at 11:00 on Friday morning to get Dan all ready for surgery. He filled out paper work and then we went back to a prep room and he changed and they put the IV in him. Once he was basically ready to go I decided to head to my clinic and get some hours, I didn't want to just sit and wait in the waiting room. I got back before the nurse called me and said he was out. My Mother-in-Law, Becky, arrived shortly after the phone call and we sat and waited for the doctor to come talk to us about the surgery. All went well except that Daniel ruptured his achilles more proximal than distal (closer to his calf muscle, not ankle where the bone is) and therefore he has to be NWB (non-weight bearing) for 5-6 weeks instead of just 4. He was bummed about that, and I don't blame him, but it'll be better in the long run. They took us back to see him when he had been awake for about ten minutes, which I was a little annoyed with because I wanted to be there when he woke up but oh well. He was just groggy all day and didn't really do anything video worthy, he's not fun under anesthesia ha. We finally left the hospital at about 5:00. His Mom took him to our house while I ran to McKay-Dee to get a disability permit for him. He slept for a few hours once we got home and then we headed to my parents for the night. The anesthesia made him a little sick but he was better the next day. We even went to the Jazz game! Sunday he started hurting a little more so we did some cryotherapy (an ice pump), and elevated him basically all day.

Pre-surgery.

Post-surgery.

He's gotten a little frustrated and is tired of his injury already, and I would be too if I had to hobble on crutches for that long, but I'm taking care of him as best I can. It's hard on both of us because he can't do much and then I have to do what I normally do and then some. It'll definitely test our patience but we'll become a stronger couple because of it. What better way to show someone you love them than to serve them? It'll be a rough few weeks but we'll appreciate each other more and be really happy when he can walk again!

I thought I knew stuff... and then I served a mission.

Well folks, I have been home for two years today. As if turning 24 this month didn't make me feel old enough, the reminder that I've been home from my mission for two years sure ages me. ;) Most of the time talking about my mission is hard because of all that happened therein but with time I've accepted it and have learned not to be ashamed of why I came home early.

So I just wanted to share some of the great things that I learned and wonderful memories. I want to start with a little poem that's a summary of a mission for those of you who haven't served and don't know fully what it's like.

One Mission

It's impossible to describe a mission, but rather it's the moments. It's sending in your papers. It's opening the call that is signed by the Prophet. It's the time before the MTC that seems like it'll never end. It's hugging your parents - they go one way, and you go off to the greatest adventure of a lifetime. The MTC, the rules, the packages, the classroom, the firesides and devotionals (actually being disappointed when it's not an Apostle speaking). It's flight plans, tons of food, testimonies, and cabin fever. It's the airport, a phone call or two, and off you go out of the swimming hole and into the ocean of uncertainty.

It's mission presidents, trainers, realizing you didn't learn hardly anything in the MTC, and loving it all the same. It's new food, new people, new culture, new language, new currency, new form of transportation, new routine, new everything under the sun (including the sun, which is really hot). It's also a lot of firsts that change: first district meeting, first contact, first lesson, first letter from home, first email home, first Latin companion, first wooden bed that's broken, first shower you fry (with a literal burst of flame), first morning of trunkiness, first Sunday at church, first time a kid speaks to you and you ask your comp if it's Spanish and he only laughs, first First Vision, first baptism - unforgettable, no matter how disorganized it is.

First changes come and it's all a blur after that. It's being anxious for your companion to leave and then, to your surprise, you miss him/her when he/she's gone. It's ninety-nine contacts with nothing but slammed doors, shaking fingers, and lying children ("my Mom says she's not here"), and barking dogs that chase after you. But it's the hope that contact one hundred will be the one. The one that wants to change. The one who has been crying for help to a God that he or she wants to follow, but doesn't know where to find Him. The one who seems perfect: perfect questions, perfect work schedule to come to church on Sunday, perfect kids that don't scream during a lesson, and most importantly, a perfect desire to make it work even if everything isn't perfect. It's the hope that finding the one is what gets you up every morning, gets you out of a member's house in hundred degree plus weather and everybody is sleeping, and gets you to open your mouth and speak, even though you don't speak well and you don't like leaving your comfort zone.

It's finding the one, one convert, one future Priesthood holder, or better yet, one golden family. It's making plans, working with members, and lots and lots of prayers to help that family. Many are found, but few choose to be chosen. It's thousands of disappointments as the family's commitment falls to doubts, gossip, weather, or anything else clever that Satan comes up with on a Saturday night. It's getting the family to church for the first time and helping them feel at home. It's showing them the church, presenting them to the bishop and other leaders, as well as the cute, outgoing teenage girl so that the young man in the investigator family will enjoy the experience as well. It's praying that the bishop's two-year-old won't make too big of a fuss, that the speakers won't teach too much false doctrine, and that they will feel and recognize the Spirit in spite of all that. 

It's when that family gets baptized that the reality of what you're giving them hits you. It's the hope of having an eternal family. It's the hope of a better life, without pain and suffering. It's giving that hope which brings you the greatest satisfaction and joy that you have ever experienced. 

It's like going back in time and appreciating what you had back home. It's the firm declaration that will never complain about vacuuming again when you actually have carpet, or mowing the lawn when you have soft grass to lay on. It's showering with flip-flops and chlorinating your water. It's stepping into the baptismal font with freezing cold water, flipping a bug out, and doing your best to put your happy face on so that the little girl getting baptized doesn't get cold feet.

It's getting home soaked 75-80% of the time, whether from the rain or sweat. It's sitting in front of a fan wondering if you can survive another day in the oven you're living in. It's Elders 14, cockroaches 1 in a matter of two days. It's tapes and packages home, but more coming your way. It's wedding announcements, Dear Johns, pictures, and the realization that life does indeed move on without you.

It's going through five pairs of shoes, ripped pants/skirts, missing buttons, and socks a lot closer to heaven (holy). It's ants, cockroaches, frogs, snakes, lizards, and the little bugs inside you that give you diarrhea.

It's a rainstorm that soaks you and your comp. It's walking or biking through water up to your calves and not having anything else to do but laugh as people look at you like you're crazy (which isn't a complete misconception). It's going out in the rain because an Elder once convinced you that for every rainstorm you go through, your future wife gets hotter.

It's change day, Mother's Day, Christmas Day, Hump Day, birthday, P-day, Friendship day, and Election Day (which always makes for an interesting Sunday). It's good days, bad days, journal entry days, and days that you don't want to end. Those are the good old days. The days that can't be enjoyed unless they come with a price - hard work, sweat, discouragement, frustration, and faith. 

It's discovering that God does hear and answer prayers. Sometimes He takes away everyone else so we can really get to know Him. It's coming to learn in a tiny way the power of the Atonement applies not only to vile sinners, but also to each individual, including you. It's feeling that power and knowing that you'll never be the same.

It's knowing that you have a testimony and nobody can take that from you. It's building it one piece at a time. Joseph Smith was a Prophet. The Book of Mormon is true. The Priesthood keys have been restored. Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God. It's sharing that testimony dozens of times a day that roots it deeply in your soul.

It's watching missionary after missionary give their final testimonies, while you are certain that day will never arrive for you... and then it does. It's learning to live in the moment and not for the moment because all too soon, it's gone. It's the sunsets, the music, the dusty streets, the dirty kids, the tiny houses, and the love of the people. It's soaking it all in, catching every detail, because you'll never get it back.

It's looking up at the night sky on your last night in the mission field and wondering about the effect of one mission. Does one mission really have eternal consequences? Does planting one seed, teaching one lesson, finding one person really matter at all?

Did the mission of The One make a difference? Did His ministry, His teachings, His seed planting have an effect on the eternities? Did His one infinite atonement pay the price of justice and give mercy her claim?

As you fly back to a former life that you're convinced is a dream, it's realizing that while you have been in the service of your fellow beings you have only been in the service of your God. It's feeling your heart and soul overflow with gratitude for the one chance you had to show your worth, give your all, and return with honor. It's becoming like The One, the Only Begotten, the Son of Man, the Prince of Peace, the Savior and Redeemer of all mankind, even Jesus Christ. It's those two years or eighteen months for which you will eternally praise the Lord, as the life that was converted more than any other was only one - yours. 

It's then turning to the passenger next to you and beginning a conversation because you never know the difference one moment can make.

- Elder Nilsen

My mission picture.

I love that so much, there's so much truth to it and it sure takes me back every time I read it. I especially like the questions towards the end, because I think just about every missionary has asked himself/herself those questions. Does one mission really have eternal consequences? I want to tell you that I know it does. I know there were times on my mission when I was very depressed and discouraged and wondered why I was there because no one would listen to us so what's the point? But I learned that the point isn't always for everyone out there that you want to "slap with the Gospel" (as Sister Stokes used to put it), sometimes the point is for you, just like the end of the poem says. It's your life that gets converted the most and I've realized that throughout life we have these challenges or callings because Heavenly Father wants us to learn from what He gives us. I know He is thrilled when we help people along the way but I think He is even more so when He can see that we get it! One of my favorite things to say on my mission, and even now, was that I thought I knew a lot... and then I served a mission (hence the title of this post). I know I don't fully understand everything Heavenly Father puts me through and places before me but I hope I get enough that makes Him proud and happy.

 Some of the best days of my life were on my mission, amidst all the trials and struggles. I have an MTC district whom I grew very close to and love so much. I have companions who have become some of my best friends, I still rely on them, and I love them for helping me through the hardest time of my life. I was fortunate enough to aid in the conversion of some Saints whom I grew to love despite our different backgrounds. I have memories of little chihuahuas chasing me on my bike. I have memories of waking up during storms a little dazed and asking my companion in a childish way if there was a storm. I have memories of seeing people change and want to change right before my eyes. I have memories of learning Spanish and appreciating the people who had patience for my lack in linguistics. I have memories of going to see an OBGYN and getting an ultrasound (of all places to have my first one, my mission), with my poor companion having to endure it with me. I have memories of my companion praying for "the lady down the street" who was really the Mother of the sisters we taught, that's just what they called her but she didn't know that. I have memories of crying over letters from my family, mostly my Mom, and missing them so much it hurt. I have memories of interviews with my mission President and bringing him to tears when I recited the First Vision to him in Spanish and then bore my testimony. I have memories of being so frustrated that people wouldn't accept the truth when it was right there in front of them, I wanted them to just take it and run more than I've wanted anything else! I have memories of the days I was so sick that I couldn't go out and work, the nights I couldn't sleep, the food I couldn't eat. I have memories of playing soccer practically every P-day and finally realizing what I wanted to do for a career. I have memories of washing my hair in the rain with my companion because she thought it'd be fun. I have memories of the moment I found out I had anxiety and depression, I can still picture where I was clear as day, and just falling to the ground with tears streaming down my face and despair filling my heart. I have memories of learning why I needed to serve a mission and all the lessons I learned and am still learning because of it. And I could probably go on forever but I won't, you get the idea. My mission was a big deal and still is a big deal. You hear a lot of RM's say that not a day goes by that you don't think about your mission, and it's the truth.

Is it Worth It?

Is it worth it? I said as we reached our place, to get the door slammed in our face? Is it worth it? I said with a heavy sigh, to wear this shirt and tie? Is it worth it? I said when it's blazing hot, to walk for miles and have nobody taught. I wonder what my friends would say, if I were to go home today? It's not what our friends would say, if I were to go home today, but what the Lord would do today. What if the Savior would have said, "I think I'll give up before I'm dead. Is it worth it Father, to do this thing, for a bunch of people I've never seen? To sweat blood from every pore, so man may live forever more?" It's funny that I am not struck down, for being such a selfish clown. My trials aren't bad at all, compared to Christ's they're kind of small. So if you're feeling kind of sore, because somebody slammed the door, try sweating blood from every pore, for people you've never seen before. 

It is worth it! It's so much more than worth it. A mission will bless your life, your family's lives, and the lives you come across while serving.  To conclude I just want to add some wonderful thoughts from the best talk a missionary could ever read, called "The Fourth Missionary" by Lawrence E. Corbridge.

• Do you think and plan for who you want to become? You are essentially on your own. From this point on, you are wholly responsible for what you do and most importantly who you become. Your greatest work, your most important creation is and will ever be you. 
• There are two ways of evolving: deliberately and accidentally. You can either decide who you want to become and deliberately work toward that end, or you can just go with the flow and become whatever life makes of you. But whatever you become accidentally will not be nearly the full measure of your potential.
• You not only can change, but you do change all of the time. To believe that weaknesses and deficiencies in your character are unchangeable is to reject the central truth of the plan of salvation. 
• Every challenge you face, every hard thing you confront, every bad thing that happens to you, every unfairness, every conflict, every sadness, tragedy, every disappointment and heartache, every temptation and every opposition happens for one purpose only: to give you opportunity to respond by applying in your life the teachings of Jesus. Without opposition the plan would be frustrated, you could not progress and the purpose of life would be unachievable.
• Do you understand that if you are not doing what the Lord would have you do, you cannot believe in yourself; you cannot believe that you are worthy to receive God's help and guidance in your life? 
• The good you do, will do you no good, unless your heart is right! 
• The purpose and central blessing of life is change. It is to be changed to become more like Jesus Christ. It is to incorporate into your character the qualities of His character. It is to move from one degree of intelligence and capacity to the next, and from there to the next, until you see God face to face and know Him and He knows you. The purpose and essential blessing of life is to be changed to become more like the Lord, to realize the full measure of your divine potential.
• You may permit the Lord to change your nature if you give yourself to Him and to His work. He cannot work on what He does not have, and He cannot have you unless you give yourself to Him.
• Only in losing yourself may you find yourself, only by enriching others may you be enriched, only by giving may you receive, only in surrendering may you become free. 
• You are the sum total of all that you have thought, done, said, seen, heard, and felt in this life and before. You change immediately with each good thought, each good act, every good word changes you for the better. When you willingly obey the principles of the gospel, you are changed by the Spirit of God to become incrementally more like Him. The degree of change with each small act of obedience may be small, but it is real and immediate. 
• The realization of your amazing, astounding, and true potential happens only in the hands of the Lord. But you and only you can place yourselves in those masterful, loving hands. Just give it up. Surrender your will to Him. Unconditionally. Withhold nothing. Turn it all over to Him; all of your desires, wishes, dreams, and hopes. 
• You can not only be changed to become more like Christ, the whole plan of salvation is designed in favor of your success! Everything has been organized to maximize your opportunity to succeed. 
• It is easier to walk with the Lord than it is to labor against Him. Do not just look the part of a disciple of Christ, be a disciple of Christ. 

I gave myself a mission motto in the MTC and would read this talk every transfer to help me remember what I was doing out there and the missionary I wanted to be. My mission motto was Matthew 10:39, I wrote it on the front of every planner so I would see it everyday. It states, "He that findeth his life shall lose it; and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." I know that to be true, deeper than I know a lot of things to be true because I have seen it and experienced it.
As always, I hope this touched someone's heart, as my experiences and these talks/poems have touched mine. Once a missionary, always a missionary!

Britt's Baby Shower and Bear Lake

As most of you know by now, my sister-in-law is due in less than two weeks and I am super stoked! I can't wait to have a little niece close to us and spoil her like crazy. I had the fortunate opportunity of planning Britt's shower for our family and it was a blast. If I could plan events for a living and throw them for people I totally would. I have way too much fun getting cute decor, baking all kinds of goodies, and thinking of awesome ways to spoil the guest of honor. I want nothing but the best for my future niece and her wonderful soon-to-be Mother!

I love her so much!

I can't wait for baby Hayward.

Thanks for dropping by!

It was a pretty great shower, if I do say so myself. We played some games, had a diaper raffle drawing, and got to watch Britt open all her gifts. It was good to spend time with the Hayward family too.
This last weekend I also had the opportunity to go to Bear Lake and spend it with some of the awesome Elderes y Hermanas de mi distrito en el CCM. We have so much fun together. This was something we planned in the MTC and I'm so glad that it finally worked out. I often wonder if other districts are as close as we are. I love them like family.
 Kat, whom I still call Sister Regis like 80% of the time, and I car pooled to Serenity's cabin together and we had quite the adventure on the way there. My GPS took us through the mountains, not a canyon, the mountains - dirt roads, wildlife, and all. We almost hit several cows and deer, we arrived two hours later than we should've because we had to stop and ask for directions. And who did we ask for these directions? Oh just a taxidermist and his wife who told us all about mounting antelope. That much said we didn't get to the cabin until about 11. Most of stayed up 'til about 2 catching up with each other and talking about anatomy (we can be nerds).
Saturday was a beautiful day! We got so lucky because it was pure sunshine and no wind. The water was pretty cold for boating but it was too glassy to pass up. We skied, boarded, and tubed. We were on the lake basically all day with a little break around 4 for a late lunch. I love my district and the good memories that we make, and even reliving some old ones.

Sunday was goodbye for Kat and I in the morning because I wanted to get home for the dedication with my hubby. We went home through the canyon and it only took a little over two hours ha. I was super tired from not sleeping much, but it was worth it! It was a pretty short little weekend but a great one. I can't resist not seeing District 35E!

The cosmic orbiter!

I love these people!

Summer is Funner

The grammatically correct way to say the title of this post is summer is more fun, I know, but I think it is actually more fun to say summer is funner. And I wasn't so sure this summer was going to be that fun, I mean we've had things planned and such, but Dan and I both had summer school and work almost every day.
Just some photos of random things we did over the summer and then on to the main events.

The Big Boy was in Ogden. That train wheel is as big as me!

Another one of Dan's friends got married! Congrats Derek!

Rodeo. 

Mini-golf on the 24th. 

Ogden Temple open house.

Dan only had a class the first block of the summer and I have had classes both blocks. He took an EMT course and is now an official EMT. I know I say this all the time, but he truly inspires me and I am so proud of him. I had to take classes in order to start my program this fall. It was a lot better than I thought it'd be because I'm finally taking classes that interest me and that I want to take! I am pretty stoked to start learning about my career. I have already been able to help others with their injuries, it's awesome!
The first pretty eventful thing that happened this summer, for me at least, was Girl's Camp. We had the opportunity to go to Moab and raft the Colorado River from Thursday-Saturday. It was weird to be the leader this time around but oh so fun! I love being in Young Women's and I learn so much from the wonderful girls I get to interact with. The trip was really fun and I would do it again for sure. We were spoiled and the people that we booked it through even took care of all our meals. All we had to do was set up camp where they told us and they took care of the rest. It was a sweet deal!

I also got to know the people I serve with better, especially one of my ward friends that I went to high school with - Jenna Rose. We got asked quite a bit if we were sisters so eventually I just started saying yes. It was really nice to have her on the trip to be able to talk to and get to know better. We also had some really awesome river guides that would start water wars and play river games with us. I am blessed to be a leader and attend the YW activities, especially Girl's Camp.

Rafting the Colorado!

Tent buddies.

South Ogden 6th Ward Young Women + Leaders and River Guides.

At the end of July I got off work for a few days and we headed down to Lake Powell. My family went down Sunday and I had a test Monday so Dan and I left Tuesday afternoon and joined them that night. Because I had sprained my ankle two weeks earlier I was limited on the things I could do. I was able to ski and board at least once but it hurt a bit and I didn't want to risk hurting it worse so I just enjoyed watching Daniel be amazing, like always. He landed two new tricks this year, a front flip and a back roll, the front flip he even landed the first try. He's good at everything and therefore I am glad he is mine!

Dan and I surfing together... or trying to.

I love going on family vacations. It was fun to be in Neverland with my whole family and their new spouses. I just love getting to know them better and bonding more and more. Plus the group that we go with is like an extended family. I love the Vernon and Foster families and how much fun we can all have together in a week. We played games (both water and land - thanks Mom!), caught some frogs, and then some fish with those frogs, surfed, had some stimulating conversations, and ate delicious treats and food.

My Lake Powell Family

And the last big hoo-raw for the summer was our awesome Hayward family vacation to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina, where Peter served part of his mission. My in-laws certainly spoil us big time. Our trip was Saturday to the following Saturday, the last week of summer before school started.

Home for a week, Ocean Blue.

We spent the first Saturday flying to our destination and getting settled for the week. Sunday we went to church and I love being constantly reminded that the Gospel is true no matter where in the world you are. After church we played some games, walked up and down the beach, and watched the Saratov Approach on Netflix.

Stroll on the beach.

Monday we were going to go to an amusement park but it didn't open 'til 4 so we found a really awesome mini-golf place, Mt. Atlanticus, that had two courses and we could go and come back and play as much as we wanted. So we played one course and then we went to Subway for lunch in between and then came back and played the second course. It was really the coolest course I've ever seen and been to because it had multiple levels and cool holes.

Mini-golf.

Tuesday we had a beach day. I love the beach, I love playing in the sand and listening to the waves crash upon the shore. Daniel and Becky both got stung by jellyfish, Dan on his wrist and Becky on her leg. I decided I was done with the ocean at that point and went to swim in the pool, and everyone else decided that was a good idea and came along. We swam in the lazy river and pools the condo has for a while longer and then went down to the boardwalk at night and wandered through shops.

Wednesday we decided to go into Charleston. It was a full day, trying to get in all the things we wanted to because it was about two hours away from where we were staying. First we wandered through the flea market that was there and then we were all hungry so we went to lunch at Sticky Fingers. That was one of the places that Peter had wanted to go to and I'm glad we all made it there. Then we took a ferry to Fort Sumter and toured that place for a little bit. It was really neat learning more about the Civil War and being in places where battles occurred. After that we went for a carriage ride around downtown Charleston where there were houses from when it was first settled and the Revolutionary War. It was super fascinating! It's cool to see what it was like a little bit back then. There's lots of history there. Once we finished doing that we met up with one of Peter's old ward mission leaders for dinner. And after dinner it was time to start heading back to Myrtle Beach.

On the ferry to Fort Sumter.

Jaden and me at Fort Sumter. I don't think I had one good hair day in SC.

Thursday the boys and Becky went golfing early in the morning so the girls and Jaden went to Myrtle Waves, a water park. Sadly half the park was closed but that was ok because it was mostly for Jaden and so we just hung out in the kiddie areas and played with him. That night was date night! All the couples went on their own dates. Dan really wanted to go to a Waffle House for dinner, so we did, and it was pretty good. I learned a new way of doing chocolate chip waffles ha. We rented scooters and drove them there and then around the boardwalk for an hour or so after dinner. It was so much fun! One day I hope to get my own motorcycle so we can ride side by side all the time. After we turned the scooters in we headed to probably one of Daniel's favorite places, no matter what city we're in, Ross. He has this saying, "You always find good things at Ross when you're in a different state." So naturally we had to go check one out. He was right, we found stuff ha.

Myrtle Waves!

Our scooters.

Friday was basically the last day to do anything we hadn't done. I really wanted to go to a tienda to see if there was any Manzanita Sol, a drink I love because of my mission, and there was something like it but it wasn't quite the same. All of us went to the Piggley Wiggley and got T-shirts because honestly who doesn't want a pig face that says piggley on the front and a pig bum that says wiggley on the back?! I want to get more into photography so that evening I attempted to take some family pictures but the humidity wouldn't allow it. It just kept fogging up my lens and made me frustrated. So we just took some with phones and called it good. (BUT if anyone wants some free photos just let me know because I really do want to be a part-time photographer!) After that we decided to take one last dip in the ocean and swim for a bit. Then I packed up our stuff so I wouldn't have to in the morning.

Paradise.

Saturday is the saddest day of the trip because we had to come home and that means back to reality. It was a great trip and I can't thank Becky and Paul enough for spoiling us so much! We were pretty exhausted when we got home so we went to bed after watching a Psych episode or two.

And this is Bertha, our rental 12 seater van AKA the Mormon Assault Vehicle.

And now we've started school and are getting into our routines again. It's a good thing but who doesn't miss summer? I do, already.