'Tis the season, but for what?

My husband and I, along with my siblings and their dates, had the fortunate opportunity to go see "The Forgotten Carols" last night at Weber State's Dee Events Center. My Mom introduced the performance to our family when we were younger and I have loved it since. As I've gotten older I have appreciated it a lot more. I understand what Michael McLean is trying to convey in his message about Christmas.
I wanted to share a few of those things myself. If you know the songs but haven't seen the performance then make it a priority! The songs will mean that much more to you knowing what is behind them. Each song has a carol that goes with it and is something that needs to not be forgotten, hence the title. McLean reminds us of the real meaning of Christmas through these carols. We must not be the Innkeeper who turned the Savior away, but instead let him in. And even though we were not there, like the shepherd who fell asleep, we (hopefully) feel that it is real when we hear the story.
I love how McLean talks about believing things that our mind tells us aren't real, but our heart does. He's acting as Uncle John who is 2,000 years old. That isn't believable but we can then in turn believe that angels came down to shepherds and a star magically appeared to lead wise men to a Son of God who was born of a virgin?! That surely doesn't make sense, yet we know it to be true. I love it. I love that logic doesn't over rule everything and that our heart can rule our minds.
These carols truly bring in the Spirit of Christmas. As soon as the first bit of music started playing I felt a tingling sensation, and all throughout the performance I felt it. I love the spirit felt, and how McLean doesn't make it about his performance, but he makes it about us and the things he wants us to feel and remember. It's magical!
'Tis the season, 'tis the season to remember what CHRISTmas is all about. To be a more giving people, a more thoughtful people, a more caring people, a better people. Let the spirit of the season into your heart, and share it with everyone! Remember our Savior and what He has done for us. Nothing could be possible without Him and His life. Celebrate that! And not just this month, but all year long.

Merry Christmas everyone! 

Missionary Flashback

Yesterday, November 16, two years ago I would be entering the MTC. I can remember some of it better than others. I can remember saying goodbye to my family, my Mom handing me a bag of chocolate drops (she knows me too well) as we did so.

Being dropped off.

I can remember meeting my district and companion and teachers. I can remember thinking it was the longest day ever and if it would ever end. I can remember wondering, "What have I done?" The first few days were hard, really hard. I missed my family, I was struggling learning Spanish, I felt overwhelmed with all we had to do and be. It was a lot of change in such a short time and I didn't want to forget who I really was. I didn't want to forget the reason I was doing this in the first place.

I changed in the MTC, A LOT. It's interesting but you can sure tell the new missionaries vs. ones who have been there over 6 weeks. You grow so much during your time there. And then reality hits all over again that first day in the field. You thought you knew stuff... until you serve a mission, that is the only way I can really describe it.
I sure had different expectations than what I went through. And sometimes I think I wish I would have known about mental illnesses before I went out so I could have helped myself more, but other times I think it's better I didn't because I truly didn't know how serious my illness was until I came home and learned more about it. But I needed to learn from it, like I've said. It's what Heavenly Father wanted for me.
And that's not all I learned, heavens no. I learned so much about myself and others. Missions are wonderful. They're hard, don't underestimate that word for a second, but they're worth it. They push you and force you out of your comfort zone and teach you things you can't learn anywhere else. Everyone who is able should serve. You won't regret it.

I am grateful for all I learned on mine. I think about it daily and am grateful for the time I had in the field, be it shorter than I thought it'd be. I am a better person because of it and I can't imagine where or who I'd be if I didn't serve. And I just love being able to relate to people when they say, "This one time on my mission, " or, "On my mission...." If you're thinking about going, stop thinking and DO IT. Know that it won't be easy but it'll be worth it. And remember that not all missions require going to the MTC and some foreign state or country, there are different types and kinds of missions that Heavenly Father has in store for us.
As for Dan and I, I know it has blessed our marriage. I love that we can have companionship inventory and tell mission stories to each other and appreciate them. I am grateful I got to learn Spanish, and how it'll further me in my career and bless our family now and future family. I love how it prepared me to be a wife and mother.

"We are commanded by God to take this gospel to all the world. That is the cause that must unite us today. Only the gospel will save the world from the calamity of its own self-destruction. Only the gospel will unite men of all races and nationalities in peace. Only the gospel will bring joy, happiness, and salvation to the human family." -Ezra Taft Benson

There's nothing like serving a mission, greatest experience FOR your life.

A little P.S. Sometimes I feel like I didn't achieve much on my mission, but I am grateful for those reminders that I receive that show me I did at least one thing. Sadly, this past Saturday November 23 a dear friend and convert of mine passed away. I am grateful he received the Gospel before this happened to him, and am even more grateful that I was able to be part of his conversion.

Brother Jose Reyna, love him so much.

Answered Prayers

Dan and I have been extremely blessed lately and I can't help but share! The Gospel is true, Heavenly Father loves us and is ever aware of us. I am so grateful He gives us those reminders when we are silly enough to forget.
General Conference was amazing, as it always is. I loved and enjoyed so many talks, but there was one in particular that was an answer to a prayer that I had been waiting for for what I thought was quite some time. A few people already know what talk that was, I got a few texts and messages after the talk was given and I thank those people for thinking of me and showing their love and concern. Elder Holland gave the talk that answered my prayer. I cried through the whole thing and felt like Heavenly Father was was speaking directly to me. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Like A Broken Vessel" My Mom sent me this a few days ago and it kind of put the cherry on top. From President Monson's new book Consider the Blessings, "Sometimes it takes many years for the Lord's purposes to become known." The week before at the Relief Society General Broadcast, there was another quote given by the Prophet that I felt was just for me. He said, "I promise you that one day you will stand aside and look at your difficult times, you will realize that He was always there beside you." My mom leaned over and nudged me after he said that. I look forward to that day.
I finally was able to get a job, which has relieved a few of our worries. Dan can hardly work with his 17 credit hour school schedule, so the income weighs a little more on me and I am grateful to have scored this job. I am the athletic study hall monitor at Weber State. I check students in and out of a study hall tracker and make sure they don't get too loud. I am able to study and do things like this, write blogs. It's a very good job and I am loving it so far. Although I don't know if I enjoy seeing the epitome of college athletes... I'm seriously so happy each and every day that I'm married.
Being unemployed for over two months we were stressed about making ends meet with bills and such, but tithing is magical. Somehow everything worked out and we were even able to purchase Dan's baby.

We don't know how it all worked out but it did and we are so grateful. We are truly blessed when we are doing what we are supposed to be doing.
When life gets hard, count your blessings! They are always there.

In Loving Memory

The entire Harris family.

It's been almost three months since my wonderful Grandpa Harris passed away. I would feel I was doing him a disservice if I didn't write about how wonderful he was. I miss him everyday. Since his passing I have had a few dreams with him in them and it's been nice to see him again.

My last picture with the two of them, Thanksgiving last year.

It was Wednesday, June 19, a week before Dan and my wedding. We were getting ready to move some things into our apartment when my Dad came home. My sister was in the room too and he barely spluttered out that he needed to tell us something before crying like I've never seen him cry before. I immediately knew it was Grandpa and asked if he died. My Dad confirmed and the three of us just hugged and cried for a few minutes.
Grandpa had been sick for a while. I would talk to my grandparents often, as they lived in St. George for all but a few months in the summer, and he had every kind of Doctor's appointment you could imagine. He has been in and out of the hospital for years for heart and lung problems and this year he was steadily getting worse. I think we all knew it was coming but it did take us a little by surprise, being a week before the happiest day of my life.
I called my Grandma as soon as I got the chance and was amazed, and still am, at her strength. She was comforting me. She told us about the funeral service they'd be having down in St. George that weekend and although we still had several things to do to prepare for a wedding, we all made it down there. (Except Nikkole but she had to work and attended the funeral in Hyrum the next week.) I was grateful to Dan to take the time to drive down with me and join me for such a hard event. And grateful to his family for letting him, again with a few days before our wedding.

The funeral was very nice. My Uncle Lee spoke about Grandpa's life and the amazing man he was. And then my Dad followed with some more stories. My cousin Kaylee and I had the opportunity to speak about the great Grandpa he was. He really was the nicest man I've ever known. I have only seen him angry once in my entire life. He is so gentle and loving. He taught me how to fish. He would always give us candy and a dollar or two when we'd come visit. We as grandchildren had the fortunate opportunity to spend a week every summer with Grandma and Grandpa. I am grateful that I got to know him so well. He was always thinking about something or somebody else. He was the hardest worker I ever knew, he was always good to help out in the yard and fix everything. He would just sit in his chair and keep to himself unless he came up with a question to ask you or you talked to him. Every time I would call and talk to him he'd always ask if I had enough money to get by, he always wanted to make sure I was doing ok. He and my Grandma contributed a lot to my mission, which I am so grateful for. He was uniquely funny, he'd howl and bark like a dog if we'd see one or crack jokes that only Grandpa could come up with.

Supporting me at Graduation.

Spring Break 2010 in St. George.

Making Grandma's famous Easter Cookies.

Supporting me at my mission farewell.

I am grateful he was MY Grandpa. I'm grateful for the lessons he taught me and the example he was to me. I will miss him until I get to see him again, and I know I will see him again. I am grateful for the Gospel and Heavenly Father's plan of Happiness. My Grandma told me that if he would have made it up North that he probably wouldn't have been able to make it to the wedding and she might not have either in order to take care of him, but this way he was able to be there, and so was she. And I know he was, I thought about him in the Celestial room and know he was there.

I'll always miss you Grandpa, but know you aren't very far away. I love you so much and thank you for everything. God be with you 'til we meet again.

A Taste of Heaven

On Tuesday, Dan and I were fortunate enough to attend the live endowment session of our future sister-in-law, Brittany. It was beautiful. Every time I go to the Lord's house I feel His wonderful spirit and love, but occasionally there are times when it's even more powerful and this was one of those times.
It was wonderful to be there with Dan, as his wife, the session had new meaning to me because I am now a married woman.

First time back as husband and wife!

We went to the Bountiful Temple and were able to see the new video. (I encourage everyone to see it ASAP! It's indescribable.) The entire session I just knew that it was from heaven, from a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. I cannot describe some of the things I felt, but my testimony was strengthened immensely. Heavenly Father has a plan for us, it all makes more sense than ever before. He created this world for us, in all its beauty and wonder, everything upon it. There is no way this all just came to be without someone creating it. Art isn't created unless there's an artist to create it. Then He created us in His image, Adam and Eve were our first parents, Heavenly Father knew Satan would tempt them to partake of the forbidden fruit and they would eventually, therefore He provided us with a Savior for nothing would be possible without Him, and they were cast out of the Garden of Eden to learn and grow and experience what He wanted them to, but they were not cast out without a way back to Him. It's true. The Gospel is true. I cannot say it enough nor emphasize the reality of it enough.
Throughout all of this I kept thinking one thing in particular: that more than anything I want to be in His presence again. The words of the hymn "O My Father" kept coming to my mind, "Yet ofttimes a secret something Whispered, 'You're a stranger here,' And I felt that I had wandered From a more exalted sphere." This isn't my home, this isn't where I belong, this is just temporary. Have you ever felt that way? That this isn't where you want to be? That there's something better and you want it desperately? That's how I was feeling. During that session I wanted more than anything to be with my Heavenly Father and Savior again, it's my life goal after all and I wanted it right then. I don't want to be in the lone and dreary world. But then I had the thought and realization that I needed but didn't want (how often does that happen in our lives?), and it was that I have a work to do here. We all have work to do here.
My depression and anxiety has increased this desire of being in Heaven again. Ever since I was diagnosed my body has not been the same. I feel like it's not as much a part of me as it used to be, that it has a mind of its own sometimes. And I had another realization that my spirit is the real me. And this desire of being in Heaven again was that I want that spirit to be free, not stuck in a body that controls it. But that's the purpose of this life, well one of them, to get our spirit to control our body, to overcome the natural man/woman in all of us. And there are certain things we can control more than others, mental illnesses aren't really one of them though. But this is my test, this has something to do with the work Heavenly Father wants me to perform here. So my spirit may be trapped, but it is only temporary, and no matter what I go through it will all be worth it one day.
I don't know if any of this is making any sense, I am struggling to put into words everything I felt that night, but I share because I feel it an obligation to let other knows what I know to be true. And other's experiences have helped me and if I can return that in some small way then I would be happy to. We are given the experiences we are because we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows us and what we are capable of. He wants us to return to Him and He has provided the way! Let us take advantage of all that we are blessed with and know.
I am so excited for Brittany and Peter to be married tomorrow. Marriage is wonderful, and there's no greater way to be married than in the House of God. I am so proud of my family and their decisions. God's hand has been seen in my life. It was a joy I cannot describe to see all the Haywards in the Celestial room.
After we were out of the temple I asked my handsome husband to go walk with me. Whenever I attend the Bountiful temple I feel the need to revisit the place I opened my mission call. To sit on that bench and relive that day... each time I sit there I think about all the new events that have happened since.

Dan and I sitting on the bench where I opened my call.

I miss Texas, I really do, and I'm grateful for what I learned there. I'm grateful I could be a missionary for Christ and His church. I'm grateful He loves me enough to cut me down. (The following video is one of my favorite Mormon Messages, take time to watch!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr8xvw0cgw0

Can you believe it's been a month?

The vacation ended once we left Florida. The first week in our new home was definitely a stressful one, almost as bad as planning the wedding. We got home on Friday and Saturday we went back up to my parent's house to open presents, where Dan's parents joined us also. We are truly so blessed. I cannot believe the generosity of some people and can't thank everyone enough for all that was done for us. We are beyond grateful!

We had lunch with our parentals and then it was time to move everything home. We loaded up our car and their cars and then unloaded everything, it was nice to have their help and went a lot quicker. There were boxes EVERYWHERE! Our house wasn't box free for weeks. We spent those weeks returning things and buying what we needed, putting things away, and cleaning/washing everything. Again, we have been so blessed.
I have to thank Dan for all the hard work he has done. He has been working really hard to be able to support us. I only just barely started working at Old Navy, for which we are again so grateful, and that has put a little stress on us too. There are plenty of bills to pay, as you married people know, and we have been worried with only one person bringing income to the table.
It's weird to think we've already been married a month. My Mom would say it's been longer than that because "we lived together even before we were married." We're in love! :) I've never been happier. Dan is the love of my life and I fall for him more everyday. We have so much fun together, whether it's building IKEA furniture or spontaneously buying a porch swing at 60% off (I'm glad my husband supports my love for swings) or getting me hooked on Prison Break and watching the entire first season in one night, we are happy with our lives together and wouldn't change a thing. This is what life is all about. Marriage is truly part of God's plan and it is more and more clear why everyday I spend with my spouse, the love of my life.

Our Honeymoon

The honeymoon began as soon as we were on the back of that motorcycle waving goodbye to everyone. We went back to my house to get a car with our luggage in it and off we went to the Little America. Dan carried me into our lovely room with a view of the temple and we had a wonderful first night together.

The next morning we woke up and ordered some breakfast before getting ready to head to the airport. We flew out of Salt Lake around 11 AM and arrived in Florida around 9 PM. 

On the plane!

I was really tired when we got off the plane and we still had to get our rental car and check into another hotel, but it all went smoothly. It was so nice to be finally be alone with Dan. I felt like I was on vacation with my best friend. It was only weird to me at times because it felt so normal and natural. The next morning we had one of the best hotel breakfasts we've ever had. We did a little morning workout and then it was time to check out and head to our condo!

When we got there it wasn't quite ready for us so we found a place to eat and then found a little mall and did a little shopping. We checked into our condo around 5 and relaxed the rest of the evening. We loved our little condo. With a view of the beach it doesn't get much better.

My Mother told us to enjoy the "I don't know what to do" while we can because it'll be back to reality once home. And we sure did enjoy it. It was nice to not have to answer to anyone, be anywhere, or do much. We went grocery shopping on Saturday so we'd have some food for Sunday. Our condo had everything in it so we bought food for the entire week we were there. 

We had church at 10 on Sunday. We went to a little branch about 10 minutes from our condo. It reminded me of my mission: a branch with Spanish people, in the humidity, rain pouring outside. It was delightful. The rain was really coming down when we got out and we were somewhat blocked in our parking spot so I played junior companion and guided Dan backing. We were just about out when the lady with the car blocking us came out and moved. I was drenched and it was nice to go home and get in dry clothes. 

We ate in our condo and just relaxed all day. Dan gave me a little lesson on Patriarchal blessings and then we read one anothers', it was a wonderful spiritual experience. We are so blessed to be married to each other. It was another confirmation that I married the right person. 

Monday we decided to actually get out and take advantage of the coupon book we were given, ha. Dan and I had been wanting to go go-karting for a while and that was what we did. He totally cheated to beat me, I was winning almost the whole time. We enjoy being competitive with each other.

X-treme Karting!

After our race we decided to go check out the flea market. We spent a few hours there looking at random things and trying to find stuff for our families. It was pretty fun but there was a lot of the same stuff there so once we got hungry it was time to go feed our bellies.

Found this hat at the flea market. I should've got it for him.

On Tuesday we rented a tandem bicycle and had a nice ride around Pompano Beach. It took a little while to get used to it at first but we became pros pretty quick, as long as Dan was on the front. We went for a few miles, had to stop and get some gatorade at a little corner mart because of how hot and humid it was. It was fun nonetheless and we enjoyed the hours we had the bike.

Wednesday we decided to head to the mall, it wasn't all we thought it would be. But we did have some success in finding gifts for our family members, and we got to use a few coupons out of our book. It's just fun that we get to spend every hour of every day together. I love it. We spent some time at the beach and pool after.

Yeah, we're married.

Thursday was the 4th of July so it the beach and condo got a little busy. We went to the beach in the morning and played in the waves.

Because there was crazy traffic and an excess of cars in the parking lot we ate the restaurant that's part of the condo. I had some crab that was delicious. Dan and I had fun trying to crack it all open and get it. It was messy ha. We waited until it was about 9 before we went to the beach to watch the fireworks.

It was a sight to see. All up and down the shoreline there were fireworks lighting the sky. Sitting next to my husband, seeing the fireworks, hearing the waves against the shore, toes in the sand... it was the best 4th of July ever!

Sadly the next day was spent traveling back to Salt Lake. But at least we didn't have to say goodbye then either. We came back to a home of our very own, and it was an amazing feeling.

It was the best honeymoon I could've asked for. I grow to love Dan more and more everyday. I think one of the best parts was that there were no surprises. I know him and he is everything I ever imagined in an eternal partner. I can't believe how blessed I am at times. 

June 26, 2013

How do I even begin to describe the best day ever? It started with my best friend by my side and ended with him by my side. I am so grateful that we were married today, and wouldn't have done it any other way. Of course it wasn't perfect, but it was perfectly imperfect.

Wedding Video

Dan had been wanting to go to breakfast on our wedding day for a while. He picked me up at 8, and naturally I thought we'd be going to a restaurant in Kaysville or Layton, somewhere close, but it was even closer. He took me to Barnes Park and there we ate a fabulous breakfast, that he made right there.

He had a blanket set up and all the food cooked. It was a great way to start out our day. He took me home so I could get my hair done (thanks Mindy Trump Green!), and get ready to go to the temple.

My mom and I went together, and he and his dad went together. Somehow we magically arrived in the parking lot at the same time. We walked to the temple together and took care of all the paperwork. Then it was time for the best part of the entire day. We dressed in our temple clothes, and had some time alone in the Celestial room before we were sealed. It was indescribable.

After several minutes a temple worker came and got us and told us it was time to be sealed. We talked to our sealer before going into the sealing room, where all our friends and family awaited us. It was bliss walking into that room, seeing everyone that means so much to you there to support you on your biggest day. Our sealer talked for quite some time about the importance of receiving your endowment and making covenants. And finally we got to kneel at that altar in the Salt Lake Temple and be sealed for time and all eternity. Nothing can describe what I felt in those moments. The sealer told us to get a good look at each other and store it in the memory bank, and I will never forget looking at my husband across the altar in such a sacred place.
Daniel Edwin Hayward was now my husband! Ineffable joy overcame me as that realization hit me. We started counting down to this day at 160 days to go and now here it was. This is what I'd been waiting for and it was more than I could have ever dreamed.

After we got dressed in our wedding attire we got to walk out of the temple together and greet our family and friends.

We are now Mr. & Mrs. Hayward!

You all know what comes next, pictures and more pictures.

(Almost) Everyone who was at our sealing, thank you for being there!

Once those were all done it was off to the Utah House of our informal luncheon. We changed into more casual dress clothes and ate some Cafe Rio style food, it was delicious! Then it was back into the wedding attire for more pictures and our reception.
It was wonderful to see so many people who care about us and our families. We are truly grateful for all the influences we have in our lives and the love that was shown to us that day. Thank you to all who came and celebrated our special day with us, it means more than you know!

After the line died we got to cut our cake, throw the bouquet and garter, and dance. Dan definitely surprised me a little with the cake, I thought he was going to be a little more gentle, but he shoved that baby down my mouth. I tried to retaliate but failed.

Dan shoving cake down my mouth.

I danced with my amazing Father before dancing with my husband. As Dan and I danced it was as if we were alone. I only saw him in the crowd. I loved it. He is my world, now more than ever before.

First dance as husband and wife!

Last but definitely not least, it was time to make our exit. Everyone lined up with streamers and poppers and I hopped on Dan's back and we ran through it all to my brother's motorcycle that awaited us. We got on it and drove away, waving goodbye. We only rode it back to my house to get the car to go to Little America and on the way we got several honks and a lady at the stoplight even took a picture of us. It was great.

Once home we loaded the car with our suitcases and exchanged wedding gifts. Then off we went to the best vacation we've ever had, our honeymoon!

The Proposal

I suppose it's my turn to contribute to the blog so it can correctly be termed “our” blog. I feel like I need to write down how the proposal went down before I forget all the fun little details of that wonderful night. So let's start with a little history:

We started talking about marriage long (relatively speaking) before we actually got engaged. We actually started planning our wedding and figured out a bunch of stuff before we were official. Kind of weird, I know, but weirder things have been done before right? I wanted to get Ally the perfect ring, and she sent me some ideas of what she liked and left the rest up to me. I don't even know how much time I spent researching rings and diamonds – like that clarity, color, cut nonsense. I can say today just as much as I did while I was ring shopping that I have a hard time telling the difference of all those nit picky things and if you need a 100x magnifying glass to find a problem with a rock, then it shouldn't be that big of deal. But, I played by the rules that I think are a little ridiculous and picked out a diamond and ring that I think fit Ally perfectly. (By the way, I know the best ring guy in the state of Utah – highest quality for the best price. I'm a believer. Anyone who wants his contact information can send me a text! ha)

Anyway, the only problem was I had some custom ideas for this ring and it was being made in New York so it took a few weeks to get it in. In the mean time, Ally was on edge every time we went on a date because I told her I was going to surprise her or catch her off-guard and it was my whole goal to make sure she didn't know it was coming right up until the very end. So let's fast forward, I've been rambling on long enough, Friday, Feb. 22, here we come.

I liked the idea of going back to a bunch of our previous date spots before asking Ally to marry me, so the real trick was telling her what we were going to do without giving anything away. But then I came up with an idea that was totally fool proof and if she got any ideas about me popping the question it would only add to my set up to catch her off-guard. The thing as a whole went almost exactly according to plan so you'll see how brilliantly (I'm still kind of proud of how well it turned out. Haha) the plan worked as the story goes on.

The part of my plan that got changed a little bit came at the very beginning, when I picked her up at a church in Salt Lake after having lunch with an old ex-boyfriend who had just admitted he made a mistake ending things with her and had taken her to one of the spots I had game-planned to go to. Not exactly a Disney beginning to such a memorable night, but it's part of our story so I'll tell it with pride.

We started out on 8^th and A street in the avenues looking across the canyon at the capitol. We “hiked” down the trail to memory grove to dance on the steps of the meditation chapel. That place is full of beautiful scenery. The first time we went there after a jazz game, when I reached into my jacket pocket to turn on some music on my phone, Ally said that for a split second she thought I was going to pull out a ring and propose. I thought that was fitting enough to add this stop to our walk down memory lane. We danced to three or four songs and left for ensign peak.

Ever since our first date I wanted to hike ensign peak with Ally and thanks to winter, it never happened. But, it was just warm enough and just clear enough of snow that we made the long and treacherous ten minute walk up to the look out point near the base of the mountain. It was neat to look out over the valley with her and see the temple, our temple, where we'd be sealed. Yes, we already had an appointment at the Salt Lake temple before we were officially engaged. We snapped a picture, enjoyed the view and the cool february air before heading down to the park to swing.

If you didn't know this already, Ally loves to swing. That's the first thing we're putting in our backyard when we have our own home so she can swing just as much as the kids. That's another thing we've done a lot of, just randomly swinging at a random park between her house and mine. So, of course that had to be on the trail of nostalgia. There was definitely still snow on the ground – a few inches – and only one swing, but it was still way fun and way funny to swing on it. I just about broke it trying to swing as high as possible while we were both on it, and a few minutes later a car drove by and some girl yelled “Yeah girl!” to Ally. Hahaha I laugh just thinking about it. I knew Ally wasn't going to expect a ring there, so we moved on to where it might happen.

I had already scheduled a dinner reservation at “the Garden,” a restaurant on top of the Joseph Smith building that over looks the temple. I requested a window table when I called ahead and the man said, “why yes, Mr. Hayward, we can reserve a window table for you.” I felt really cool when he called me Mr. Hayward, but the table that sat us at was more like a column table than a window table. But, who cares, I wasn't exactly looking out the window if you know what I mean... :)

Did Ally think it was going to happen up there where so many other people had proposed before (my father being one of them at the restaurant across the hall)? No, because she didn't want it to happen in a public place and I totally agreed with her. So we went down to walk around the temple grounds. We had been there before. On one of our first dates, actually. Maybe we would find a quiet corner and it would come out? Nope. Not here. So we move on.

Energy Solutions Arena came next. We have spent so much time there doing our part to cheer on the rather pathetic Jazz this past season. Out of five games we went to they won one. Strangely, the score wasn't the biggest thing on my mind at any of them. Ally was. This was also the site of our first date. We looked at the Stockton and Malone statues and Ally compared her feet to those of their footprints. I think about two of her feet could fit into Malone's shoes. Ha.

It was cold, being february, and for my perfect plan to work perfectly we needed to kill about two hours, so we went to my house and watched a movie. I was going to play her a few songs on the guitar but between preparing other stuff for the night and my chemistry night course the night before, I just ran out of time to practice my ideal set list and since she didn't ask me to play, I just let it pass.

Finally, if you've stayed with this probably over detailed story, we're to the good part. It was late enough that it wouldn't seem weird if I took her home, so that's what we did. I walked her to the door and kissed her good night just like everything was usual. I was really hoping that when she got inside she would be super disappointed that it didn't happen that night because she thought I had set it all up for one perfect moment after the next to ask her to marry me. At least from what she told me, it didn't quite swim like that in her head. Oh well. When she got inside her mom – by design on this night – started talking to her about the night. She had agreed to stall Ally upstairs for ten minutes. Right after the door had closed on me, I walked back to the car then hurried and pulled it into the other drive way and did my very best James bond impersonation across the yard to not be seen, though I probably looked a lot more like Chuck Bartowski. However, I still made it back to the house and in the basement door without being detected. Earlier that day I had taken over a suit and tie, the ring, and a calla lily (Ally's favorite flower). Ted, Susan and I set up three GoPro's in the family room that after noon too. I had such an adrenaline rush I flew through changing my clothes and got the ring, tried to James Bond it down the hallway and into the family room, again probably looking more like Chuck, got the door closed silently behind me, turned on all the cameras, sat down and looked at the timer on my watch. Three minutes and fifty seconds had gone by. I thought for sure it would take around eight. So there I waited. Palms sweaty, heart racing, going over and over what I was going to say to her in my mind, adjusting my tie a million times, and waiting. After we had been hot for six minutes I texted her and told her I was home. (Gotta keep everything normal right? ;) Still waited. We had been hot for ten minutes and I felt like an eternity had gone by waiting for Susan to subtly get her in the room. Turns out they were having a really good conversation upstairs while I was fidgeting my way to a slimmer waist-line down stairs. Finally when we had been hot for a little over fifteen minutes I saw the door open slowly. When Ally saw me sitting on the couch she jumped, which was kind of humorous to me. She asked me what I was doing there, and I could see the light bulb go on while she was asking the question. We just stood, blissfully embraced, for quite some time. We both knew what was coming. At some point during all of this, Susan James Bonded it to Ally's room down the hall and left the flower with a note attached on her pillow. I finally got down on one knee and said, “Allyson Harris, I love you. Will you marry me?” Of course she said yes and I jumped up and gave her a huge hug then she said, “Are you going to put the ring on my finger?” Oh right. Forgot that little part. Haha.

Afterwards we went upstairs where Ted and Susan where waiting to congratulate us and take pictures. My parents were waiting just up the street, so I called them and told them it was time to come over. We took some pictures with each set of parents and it was one of the happiest nights of my life. My parents left shortly after that and we just went back down stairs to the place of our first kiss and proposal. We talked, we laughed, we kissed, we sat, in pure unadulterated joy that night as we were finally official in the embarkment of the greatest adventure either of us were ever going to go on. When it became way too late, I some how found it in me to leave, though I didn't want to. And Ally went to bed to find a flower with a note that said, “Thank you for saying yes.”   

Feeling grateful!

After my last blog I just want to quickly say how thankful I am to so many of you! Countless people text me, messaged me, or came up to me and talked about what I had to say and it was so refreshing. It helps immensely to know that I am not alone in this, and I always knew that, but to relate to others and talk about it is wonderful. THANK YOU!
There are a few people I must thank in particular. First of all, my companions from the mission. Hermana Ruano, my wonderful trainer who showed me great strength. She was and still is an amazing example to me. Her love helped me through my mission. Hermana Ramirez, my second trainer. She showed me what missionary work was, it is work! She's a little energizer bunny and I'm grateful for her example in that way. Hermana Stokes... where do I begin? We went through SO much together. From Sister Papa trying to fix me to going to an OBGYN to getting ice cream when I had rough days. She was my rock when I found out about my illness. I feel bad that she had to see all that but I know she was with me for the purpose of helping me. I can't thank her enough! Hermana Vidal was my sister. We're all sisters, of course, but she was more than my best friend. I went through the roughest part of my mission with her and she was patient and loving. We had fun and success even though I was pretty sick. I was blessed to serve with my MTC companion again, Hermana Regis, my last two weeks. We were in a trio with Hermana Pena as well. At this point I knew I was going home and they were supportive and wanted me to have the best last two weeks I could. I really appreciated that.

Hermana Ruano, the first time we met. She made me feel loved from the beginning.

Hermana Ramirez, at one of my favorite places, Taco Palenque.

Hermana Stokes, off road biking.

Hermana Vidal, celebrating Mexico's Independence Day.

My trio, Hermana Pena and Regis, the day I flew home.

I have to throw in there all my wonderful friends who wrote me while I was out there. I'm glad you stuck with me through all of this. And then the friends I made because of it. It's amazing who Heavenly Father puts in your life when you need them.
I already thanked my wonderful fiance, but can never thank him enough. When I got home I was scared about having a relationship in my "condition" but thought that maybe that's part of the reason I came home earlier, because there were several guys I thought it was going to work out with. But alas, it did not for one reason or another and then Dan came into my life and I knew that he was the one I was waiting for. Like I said before, he didn't try and fix me or blame my condition on things that didn't make sense. He accepted me, all of me, and that was what I truly needed. When I still have hard days I tell him and he is right there to help me out in anyway he can. I love him and am so grateful I get to be with him for eternity.

Finally I have to thank the most important people, my family. They were there for me before all of this and will still be there long after. It's kind of hard to explain but I felt closer to them on my mission than at any other time in my life, even though that's when I was farthest from them. My Mom was the best. She would E-mail me every week and write a hand written letter too. She would say things to me that helped me with things I didn't even tell her about. She knew I'd need help with things before I did, her hand written letters would be written before something would happen during the week and it'd be just what I needed. I was being watched out for. My testimony of parent child relationships and parents receiving revelation for their children grew immensely because of her. She was there for me in every possible way she could be. 

I wanted to share a letter my Mom wrote to me on September 5, 2012:

Sister Allyson Harris,
Once upon a time there was a really cute, chubby little blonde-haired baby girl. She had great cheeks that you loved to kiss, chubby little hands that were so cute trying to do all the things they wanted to. She was a good little girl for the most part, willing to sleep when she was supposed to, eat when she was fed, liked dolls and books. She was usually a kind-hearted little child also, willing to share, hugged and kissed on demand, liked to snuggle, dress up and ride things, like to play outside. She became a very cute toddler, grew a little, lost her baby fat, still had a great smile and warm heart. Was loved in every class she was in, be it Primary or school, learned how to get along with siblings and do what she was expected to do. Still loved to play outside, especially kicking that black and white ball. Sometimes her shirt would cover her shorts that it looked like she was running around in a dress, and between that and the knee socks, you rarely saw any skin. Blonde hair in a ponytail, running after the ball!

Who knew that it would grow into the love that it has for this child, some just play for a while, dabble in it, don't give their heart to it. But this child gives her heart to many things, to her family, to her religion, to her friends and certainly to soccer. For being a smaller person, even now as a young adult, she has a huge heart to share, and feels things very deeply, has a tender spirit that gets bruised along the rough road of life. She has been blessed, no major trauma in her life thus far, all close family is alive and well, has had really good physical health, once those tonsils got removed! Has great skin, pretty hair, teeny feet that are good for a tease or conversation starter, sometimes both. She did well in school, did very well in the social scene at school and community, touched many lives from the mailman, to little boys she babysat, to the parents of friends that "just love her!" 

And now, she is out serving the Lord, and things have not been as 'expected'. She got her wish to learn a language as she has skills in that area, stayed state-side so "fun boxes" could happen at least monthly and was called to the place prepared for her, and where she is 'tall'. What more could you ask for?! It seemed to start off ok, few struggles in the MTC with the routine there, the changing from Ally to Hermana Harris and it was a longer stay than most. But hit the field at a good time, doing well, excited to serve as she'd been taught, realized that she really did need to study Spanish as it was now so different and began to understand what mission life is all about. There were ups and downs, got to run a little and ride bikes a little, temperatures heated up, companions changed, areas changed and there began to be more downs than ups. Mental struggles, inner concerns and worries, began to manifest in physical pain. Tests are run, things are tried, diet concerns arose and control began to slip. Pills were introduced, suggestions made to identify the crisis and a continuing downward spiral is the current status. Is it completely out of her hands? Is she now so tired and worn, so broken and in despair that she can't pull out of this?

I just don't know, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I have been praying for her with such intensity now for months, that this trial might be put aside, or overcome. Temple trips have increased, time on knees has increased, fasts have been held, and more prayers. What has happened, how this came to be, how to overcome have all been wondered about, been questioned, and answers have been sparse. People are in place to help her, will she allow it? I alternate between despair for her well-being, and wanting to tell her to fight, be tough, dig deep and deal with it - she can overcome. I don't feel I'm faithless, but do admit to being helpless, and reminding myself over and over, that it's in the Lord's hands. And so I remind her that it's in HIS hands, not in hers to decide. 

This person who grew out of that cute little girl, has a stubborn streak in her. It was evidenced in her youth and all through her growing up years. And when she gets something in her mind, she tends to stick with it, whether it's right or wrong. And this decision will effect her eternally, so all the better that she leave it in eternal hands. I do NOT doubt that it is hard, what she shares with me hurts my heart,  it must be a struggle to do about everything. Believing the end is in sight would be wonderful, no doubt, having experienced the last months, but maybe her end isn't in sight, maybe her 'Job' experience is not over, the silver hasn't been purified completely, the spirit is still in training. And I'm only offering the thought to be open... to be led. As I was reminded this week in my scripture study: "Wherefore, brethren, seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy, over all his works."

I love this missionary more than I can ever express. I have loved her for 22 years, through physical pain of getting her here on earth with a healthy body, to emotional pain of trials experienced and overcome. A bad day when a friend was mean, another day when she was locked out of the house, sick days at the doctor, hurts on the field, heart hurts from friends and boys, and soccer team postings that were missing her name. I am so not perfect and readily admit to not knowing much or having answers, but I have faith in my God and knowledge that He is in the Heavens and in charge. I have some knowledge of this daughters emotional processes, those things she worries about, those things that mean so much to her. I have not experienced all the same things, but I have some understanding beyond those, and would again share warning to strive to finish - IF physically able and guided to so do - what she agreed to do... here on earth, and earlier in the heavens. To not come home for ANY reason other than completion of her mission as guided by her President and the spirit. That may mean for health concerns shortly, that may mean more weeks down the road, but when it happens, that it's with the knowledge that she completed the work she was called to do.

This daughter need not fear or question that I will not be supportive of what happens, I will. But it will be in her best interest, for now and next year, for a decade down the road and 3 beyond that, if she leaves nothing behind, gives her all that she is asked to do. She has to believe that she will not be asked beyond what she can handle, and take comfort in her Savior, in the deepest of despair. I have shared this with her before, the rest of the chapter is great also. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

IF it's right, it's right, whatever IT is. Make sure it's right, it's what we ALL want for her.

Dottie Hinson: "It just got too hard." Jimmy Dugan: "It's supposed to be hard! If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great!"

I read that letter over and over for the rest of my mission. It touched me in a way that only a mother can touch a child. I still read it with tears in my eyes because of how tangible it is. My wonderful Mother and I don't always see eye to eye, but my mission taught me how much she loved me. I learned why she did some of the things she did while I was growing up and will be forever grateful for her. She is the strongest person I know and I am grateful to be her daughter. She's my example, and I would be honored to be half the person she is. I love you Mom!

It's finally time.

For the past few days I have felt like it's finally time to share my story. And that story is the reason I came home from my mission a little earlier than planned. I feel like sharing this will help lift a little bit of the weight I'm still carrying off, at least that's my hope.
This past year has honestly been the hardest year of my life. I write this with occasional tears streaming down my cheeks and a heart that will probably never be fully whole again. This is personal, but I get asked about it constantly and it seems to come up in one way or another and that's another reason I have for sharing it. Plus, if someone can benefit from it then I am that much more grateful.

Texas McAllen Mission

I was diagnosed with anxiety in June of last year, and depression reared its ugly head shortly thereafter. I started having some physical illnesses on my mission in May and came to the conclusion of anxiety, which was really hard on me. I had no idea that anxiety could cause you to throw up, have stomach and chest pains, digestion problems, no ability to sleep, and panic attacks. It all makes sense now, especially after taking an Abnormal Psychology class last semester and learning all about disorders, but back then I had no idea about mental illnesses.

For everyone with an invisible illness: The difference between mental and physical illness is that one is seen and the other is not. "It's hard to explain to someone who has no clue. It's a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine... on the outside. Never judge what you don't understand."

I went to the doctor several times in May. It was frustrating not knowing what it was. It was thought I had IBS and when he introduced mental problems I was just beyond confused. I talked to my mission president's wife, our medical advisor, and it was established I had anxiety. I received permission from my stake president at home and my parents to start taking medication. I was really against it at first because I didn't want to rely on it, but it was suggested that this was the only thing that could help and I really wanted to stay on my mission, as hard as it was getting.
This is a journal entry from my mission on June 27, 2012: "I couldn't sleep tonight, Sister Trayner told me to write to let all my thoughts and feelings out so that's what I'm going to do. This will probably be all over the place but I guess that's the point? Well... I'm shocked to be quite honest. I never thought this would happen to me, and least of all places on my mission. It's heartbreaking. To have wanted to do this my whole life, to dream about it, and to get here and have it be the hardest thing I've ever done and it to be so hard on me that I have to take medication to cope... it hurts. It's like I'm not strong enough to do this, to be a missionary. It makes me wonder if I really am able to do this. Any missionary could come in and what I do, so what am I needed for? I'm stuck, at least that's how I feel. I'm a little scared too. What if I can't get over this? I don't know how to handle it and fix it. What if I can't? I feel like being diagnosed with anxiety is giving me more. I also feel as if I'm losing myself. I don't understand why I have been given this trial, but Heavenly Father does and I guess that's what really matters. Sometimes I wish I could borrow His spiritual eyes and see what He sees. Hopefully one day I'll understand why all of this is happening. Is it because Satan is trying to stop me? If he is, am I going to let him win? I don't know if I have much fight left in me. I'm lacking faith in myself. Can I really do this? It's just this never-ending spiral and I don't know how to make it stop so I can climb back up from how far I've already gone down."
That's how I felt and sometimes how I still feel. It still scares me at times. And it hasn't necessarily gotten any easier, I have just learned how to deal with it and accept, for the most part, that this has happened and I may have to deal with it the rest of my life. And after that day in June things only got worse.
I was transferred to the valley to be closer to the mission home so I could get the help I needed. My companion and I whitewashed an area and that made things a little more stressful but I was able to see doctors and a counselor once a month, although that proved to not help my illness either, but it was nice to cry to someone who was trying to understand and help. I was prescribed with a medication in Laredo that was supposed to take up to 6 weeks to work and after more than 6 weeks had gone by I wasn't improving. So it was back to the doctor and he prescribed something else that I wasn't allowed to take as a missionary because of its maintenance. Because I wasn't able to take it he referred me to a psychiatrist. That was really hard on me. I remember sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of kids who had obvious mental disabilities and felt like I should be put in a mental hospital or something. It was a stab to the soul. He gave me another prescription that was supposed to take 3-4 weeks and after that time had gone by I still wasn't doing better.
By now, I was just a wreck. I developed depression with my anxiety and struggled with almost everything. I always thought that mental illnesses were choices and that you could just snap out of it, but I couldn't have been more wrong. It's not like that at all. It almost controls you... it's not you. I would wake up in the morning with no desire to do anything or see anyone. I didn't care about a thing, not missionary work, not the people. It was horrible because I knew I should and I was disappointing so many people but I didn't care about that either. I had no desire to do anything. And I could never sleep for more than a few hours at a time, I was emotional all over the place, I couldn't sit still to save my life, I wasn't me.
At this point, I had discussed going home with my mission president. At first, that's all I could really think about. After talking to him, he helped me realize that it wasn't my decision to make. I will forever be grateful to him for giving me a kick in the butt when I needed them most. He let me talk to my Mom, which was more of me listening and crying as she tried to speak strength and love to me. A couple more weeks went by and it was finally decided for me to come home. I knew I wasn't going to get better in the field but that didn't make coming home any easier. I was able to finish the transfer and was put in a trio for the last two weeks.

Home again.

For the first few days of being home, I was doing so much better. It was beyond wonderful to see my family again and have their support. I was able to see my doctor and be put on a medication that finally helped me! But those days didn't last long... I was still very sick, physically and mentally. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, there was no point. I didn't want to do anything because I had no desire to and I just didn't know what to do with myself. I was afraid of talking to people for what they may think and the questions they would ask. No one really understood, they would try and I appreciated tha,t but it didn't help. And it's no one's fault, but it made me feel alone and apart from the world I once knew. I felt ashamed of what I felt I didn't accomplish and what other people thought I came home for or did wrong as well. It was as if I was a failure. And no one likes to feel like a failure, especially when you feel like you failed your Savior.
I started seeing a counselor every week and that I think made the most difference in the end. He taught me how to deal with my anxiety and realize what was causing it. (Now that I know what causes it I can control it more but that doesn't mean it's completely gone. I still have it. It's not all just about my thoughts, some of it is just how I'm wired so to speak.) I saw improvement over weeks and eventually was able to stop seeing my counselor, but continue with the medication.
One of the biggest helps through all of this has been the man of my dreams, Daniel Edwin Hayward. On our first date, he asked me why I came home and surprisingly I felt like I could tell him. He was very understanding and sweet about it all. He didn't try to "fix me" as other people did or look at me as damaged goods, but he loved me. And since then has healed me more than medication or counseling. I have felt at times that he is part of the reason I came home when I did, so I could meet up with him again and eventually marry him. If it was for him then it was all worth it.

That smile that comes so naturally is because of him.

For a long time, I wondered if I would ever feel like my old self again. Through E-mails from my mission, my Mom could tell that I wasn't myself and said she wished people from my mission could know the Allyson Harris that she knows. I don't think I'll ever completely be that person again, and you're not necessarily supposed to be the same person you were before your mission but I changed in a different way. And I feel like that gets rubbed in my face constantly, not on purpose of course. Its every farewell and homecoming, every time someone asks about my mission or talks about theirs, church lessons, etc. it's like I'm getting salt sprinkled in that never fully healing wound. I didn't come home with that fire that RM's come home with. My homecoming wasn't the typical homecoming. It was one of happiness but not the happiness I wanted it to be. My mission president said it'd be something I'll always have to live with and I knew that but I thought maybe it'd get easier.
I talked to one of my amazing cousins a few weeks ago who came home early because of his knee and he's been home for 8 years now and it hasn't gotten easier for him. It wasn't what I wanted to hear but talking to him about it helped me so much. And it kind of hit me that maybe that's why this happens to us... so that we can share our experience with others who go through the same thing. There have been a few people I have been able to talk to and feel like I have been able to help because we went through similar experiences. In multiple blessings I received on my mission it was mentioned a few times that this would help my future family, so I'll cling to that as well.
And the most important reason why this may have happened was for me to become closer to my Savior. He has done so much for me, for all of us, and if I have the opportunity to experience just a little of what He did then I am grateful and better off for it. There is nothing greater than being able to walk in His shoes, even if it's just a step or two. I have greater appreciation and understanding of His love and sacrifice for me. He experienced all that I have experienced and will experience, but it is a privilege to say the same about Him. And I'm not saying that I get what He did or know fully, because I don't, but I am just that much closer to because of what I went through. Because of the trial He so lovingly placed before me. I couldn't have made it through this without Him.

That's my story... but more than that, it's my life. And it's ok because I wouldn't change anything I've learned from this experience. I am who I am today because of it. I'm stronger and refined into the woman Heavenly Father wants me to be, and that is all that matters.

1 Corinthians 10:13

P.S. An afterthought: I have had moments where I wish I did not have to go through this on my mission but something tells me that it was better I did. That it was better because of the person that I was when I went through all that - a missionary, a servant of the Lord, a representative of Jesus Christ. I believe things could have gotten a lot worse for me if I was anywhere besides my mission, as hard as that is sometimes for me to admit. But Heavenly Father knew me then and He knows me now and I trust in His timing now more than ever.